Panic Attacks and DID. Analysis and Understanding of one of Sparrow's attack

 I wanted to speak a little more on this topic.   

Kevin always says that my alters are "super powers"...and maybe in a sense they are...while all this commotion and activity downstairs is going on, my sense of smell, my sense of hearing, all of my natural senses are enhanced 200%...every sound made, I can hear...and because of that, I feel at times, that everyone is right outside my door...I will panic.

Every emotion I have, anger, sadness, confusion, etc..is enhanced 200%...so the thoughts in my head are amplified,  and it is overwhelming.

I seriously feel like I am in the middle of a war zone with the enemy closing in...my paranoia is amplified, its ridiculous, but there it is and I cannot stop it.  I cannot go out and stop a train coming at me at full speed...I will be run over and crushed...so my "flight" instinct kicks in....RUN

I also have brain cancer...one of my tumors is attached to a vein in my head that transport blood to and from, oxygen to my brain...Having a stroke is a real concern...

When my panic attack starts, my blood pressure shoots through the roof, my heart will beat out of control,  I will start shaking, and all of this could result in a stroke....I could literally have a stroke while I am in the middle of a full blown panic attack...so this knowledge adds to my fears.

Being in a safe, quiet place,  my panic attacks are far and few between, but, now they are coming more often...feeling safe is literally keeping me alive...but I have no safety now, when Kevin is at work, I am alone, alone with all those people downstairs, alone, defenseless, scared....

I KNOW IN MY HEAD, ME SPARROW, THAT I AM SAFE, NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME,  but try telling that to my little, or the others...they don't see that.  They only see the past and the past pattern of my life and they are trying to "help" me in the only way they know how....

But their help is hurting me....

Right this moment, as I am writing this,  I want to run away...I want to run away to a place where I am safe, but, there is no safety for me...it does not matter where I go, where I live, that feeling of being safe and protected is simply not there.   So I am stuck....trapped like a caged animal, trapped like a dog about to be euthanized because nobody wanted it...I am literally cornered with no avenue for escape.

This is DID.  Uncertainty of who I am, uncertainty of where I live, uncertainty of even my very existence...certainly uncertain of my safety.   I am treading water trying to keep my head afloat, but I am getting tired,  my legs are being pulled down by the current and I am fighting to stay alive, but the exhaustion is getting to me...I don't think I can tread water for too much longer...and when I can't do that any longer, that is when the panic, PTSD attacks show their faces to me...

Until the construction is done, until my other neighbor moves out and things settle down will I start to feel safe again...but, if they start all that construction mess next to me (after that neighbor moves out), the constant banging and trash everywhere,  my whole nightmare will start all over again...and it will be worse because it is upstairs and that apartment blocks my exit...I will literally be trapped and cornered...all the workers will be next to me, their partying, there loud voices, their drama, I WILL NOT BE SAFE.

If a person who has DID does not feel safe,  their lives are in chaos...their minds are bombarding the host with fear, memories, anxiety and the "fight or flight mode" is activated.

This is where I am at today....I am lost, I am not safe.  Not anymore, not here, probably not anywhere,  will I ever be safe?  Well my past history shows that safety is not an option for me...

Sparrow 

How does Sparrow and her system deal with potentially bad news.

 I don't know where to start with this blog.   First, I miss Mary Beth everyday. I still have her instant message from the last time we spoke...I still send her my love...even though she will never read the messages...

I have had to deal with so many really horrible things in my life...it seems I got the lions share of hardships, bad news, bad health, bad everything to cover thousands of people.

From, childhood abuse and trauma, broken bones from trauma, ulcers as a child, intensive abdominal issues because of stress that have resulted in multiple surgeries...then the loss of my daddy, the loss of my grandson, having to live with brain cancer, the death of my marriage, the loss of a child (miscarriage), the loss of my family...then potentially having breast cancer?!  

Sometimes I feel like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting bigger and bigger as it descends down...becoming a boulder of hard ice and snow running me over...

I simply do not know how to compartmentalize all these issues...I am unable to put them in their proper places in my grief, I am unable to be an adult and dealing with potentially bad news as an adult.

Why?  Because all my alters have their own thoughts, feelings, their own way with dealing with bad news and it is conflicting for me, Sparrow.   I know that I have to be mature and grown up,  I know this is just life...dying is a part of living, and I am not alone in having potentially bad news or getting bad news...but,  that is me, Sparrow...the others handle things differently and that leaves me feeling so discombobulated, frustrated, confused and frankly suicidal...I feel like my head is drowning in a tsunami of waves carrying me away, with no control on where those waves are going to take me...

The hardest thing, I believe, for me in being the mature 60 year old woman...Sparrow is 60, but the other alters range in age from around 6 yrs to 65 yrs...the younger ones have more immature selfish minds because they are younger, Tessa is the only one that is the grown up, being probably around 65 yrs old...so dealing with potentially bad news is devastating for a system that is so mixed up with ages and personalities....

I am so grateful for Kevin and the trust my system has with him...he can explain to them things I simply cannot...and I believe they listen to him....in fact, if Kevin had been in my life, my whole life, I might not be where I am today...I would be more secure in myself and my DID,  why didn't my husband and family see it?  They made potentially bad news worse by being oblivious to my system, they threw gasoline on the fire in my brain... 

I recently had another breast scare, the cyst came back, bigger, and now I have three cysts...I elected to not have them drained, because they are not hurting or bothering me...but if they do start to hurt, I will simply have them drained...I am no longer freaking out that I may have cancer.  I have knowledge.

Knowledge is power...I become more powerful and my alters become more powerful as they attain knowledge.

Sparrow

DID Relationships: Blunt Answers

 I wanted to expound on the "jealousy" comment I made about having DID.   

When I was not aware of my personalities, it was easy to accept the quirkiness that I had...I just thought I was weird, or over emotional or whatever...I felt like that was just me, Sparrow.

Now that I know its not just me, Sparrow, that is hard to wrap my head around...

I do get very jealous of my alters at times:  why? because now I know that they also live my life, I am sharing my head space with 7 other personalities...

Especially of Ally, my little.  As a child, I never had a lot of toys, or stuffies or whatever, I had to either share with my siblings, or my toys were given to them or taken away...

Ally has a room at Kevins house, that room is filled with a huge barbie doll house, and all the accessories of Barbiedom...  she has a bulletin board to put her pictures on, she has a life of a little girl, free of trauma and everything is all hers.  At my apartment, she has stuffies and another doll house...sometimes when I see all of these fun little girl toys, it makes me jealous...

Ally is getting to be a little girl, she plays and laughs and does not have to worry about her things being taken away....I did not get to do that as a little girl, so that makes me jealous...Jealous of myself?  How dumb and weird is that?? haha

Then I have trouble with jealousy when christmas comes around and my personalities get all these gifts from Kevin....I also get gifts, but I am having to "share" with the others...I get jealous of my time lost with Kevin because he works all day, lives at his own place, so when I do get to spend time with him, and the girls front (they are comfortable with him and will front a lot when he is here) I lose that time with him...I am selfish of my time with Kevin..I hate sharing Kevin with the alters, that makes me jealous!!!  

Doesn't that sound ridiculous?  But, its true.  Especially in the beginning when I was learning about the amnesia and how my life really is....now,  I still experience jealousy, mostly of Ally,  but at the same time, Ally is getting to be a happy little girl...that means I am being allowed to be a little girl, a happy safe little girl, even though I don't know when she is out, I do know that when she leaves, I feel better inside, more content and happy.  

As far as "faking it"...I wish I was!  If I was faking it, then I would be totally in control, no time loss, no amnesia, no jealousy...no horrific childhood memories...I could control my emotions and triggers and panic attacks...but,  I am not faking it...this is a really really truly hard disorder to live with, first because of Hollywood and the stigma, second the mental health establishment cannot agree on DID and therefor it makes getting treatment virtually impossible.  third, the inability to control my emotions, thoughts and personalities...

It is hard to be in control of your life when you cannot even control your headspace...I am also jealous of "singlets"...I wish I was singular...but that is one wish that will never come true for me, and I have to accept that, and I am...I am trying.....

Sparrow

Protector of the Heart. Who is the alter "7"..

 I have always thought of myself as a girly girl once I became a teenager...I like make up and clothes, hair all the things that is girly.

But growing up I was a tomboy..I played with all the little boys in my neighborhood, we played war, and other boy activities.  I got as dirty as a boy...I loved being with the boys, because I did not have to be the "girl"...sometimes I pretended to be the nurse in a battle zone, but often I carried a toy gun and went around shooting the enemy...  I believe this was "7", as a child, before they grew up as I grew up...

7 does not like girly things and stuff.  7, is plain, nondescript, and hides easily...I don't know why 7 says that they have two colored eyes, one green and one brown...when I look in a mirror I only see two brown eyes...but if 7 looks in a mirror, they see two different color eyes...why?  I do not know, that is for 7 to answer.   Where did 7 get the ideal for their looks?  I believe that 7 decided on looking non gender.  7 does not want to be identified as a girl or boy...just 7.

7 and I both have a love of animals.  7 and I have a way with them, animals have always been my friends and companions..I have an easiness with animals...7 feels that way too, I think.  I really believe that it was 7 who took away the horrible memories of my childhood pets being killed and of the animal abuse I was forced to participate in...7 did it...7 has all those memories locked up...

Yes, I am aware of all the animal abuse...but in my heart, I am not aware of the hurt and pain that I felt...the only thing I was aware of was the guilt..."my fault my bunny or dog or cat, was killed"...so I have lived with the guilt for a long time...but not the hurt...as 7 has released some of the details of the animal abuse and the actuality of my non-complicitness in those acts.  I felt I was to blame for all the death and abuse, I was made to feel the blame....and it wasn't until decades later, that I was made aware of the details and that I was not at fault, I was a fucking child.   

I am so thankful that 7 did not allow me to feel that particular pain....

My sister and I had a bunny, one day we were outside on the porch and I was holding the bunny and my sister wanted it..but she was so young and she did not know how to hold the bunny comfortably so I would not let her..she got mad, went in the house and told her father (my abuser), he was drunk, of course, and he came out and grabbed the bunny from my arms, twisted its neck and killed it, gave it back to me...a small child...to bury....telling me "this is your fault for being selfish with that bunny"...

I know that immediately when he took the bunny from me, 7 fronted.  7 took away the horror of the scream of the bunny, the horror of having to dig a hole and bury it...I remembered the incident years later, but I never remembered or felt the agony of pain....that was taken from me, by 7.  I never cried over that bunny or any of the other animals...7 took the tears away...it wasn't until years later, after the memory was shared with me, that the tears came...7 allowed me to cry.

7 has been protecting my fragile heart, my entire life.  But now, as an adult, working through my DID, coming to realize why I have it, and why I have each alter and their jobs in my head, I don't feel like I need 7 anymore...but my heart, even as an adult, is so fragile and scared and damaged that 7 will never leave, 7 will never change their job description...my heart will have to be protected until the day I die.

So,  this is 7.  The Protector of my Heart.

Sparrow

Being in a relationship with someone who lives with DID. Vol. 3

 Having DID is not conducive to friendships or relationships.  It is hard, confusing, maddening, bizarre and frankly hard to believe.  And because of those very reasons, people with DID usually hide in a "closet".  No one believes their stories....no one understands the outbursts or weird personality change, no one wants to talk about uncomfortable things...and they are ignored.

That was me.  I was married for over 30 years...throughout those years, I was in and out of therapy, but never correctly diagnosed...just given meds for this or that...I had some memories of my childhood and when I would try and tell my husband those memories, he would "act" like he was listening, but his response after I told my story, was always this "I need to pray about it"....and it was never addressed again.

PRAY ABOUT IT????? Another time, I tried to tell my step dad about my past abuse, and he said "we all make mistakes", "you have to get over it and move on"....

GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON?????

How does a person get over it, when they cannot even speak about it, work through it and get closure or even an "I am sorry"...Not one person in my family has ever apologized to me, no one has ever acknowledged their parts in my story...NO ONE

So DID killed my marriage.  DID killed my relationship with my mom and step dad...DID killed my whole way of life, as I knew it...now I have a new reality, living with DID.

As a DID person, growing up, I was ignored, ridiculed, called a liar, a cheater, a sinner, I was abused emotionally and mentally along with physically as a child...I was called "quirky" and dismissed as the 'crazy" person....Did these relationships with family and friends last??? NO

It is damn near impossible for a person with DID to actually have a lasting relationship with anybody...it may seem fun or cool at first, but then the "honeymoon" phase is over, and reality sets in...the reality is this "triggers"....Negative triggers kill a relationship, because first, we are not sure what it was that triggered an event, then we are not allowed to work through that trigger, we are pacified or medicated to stop the behavior, but we are never understood.   

I have lived a lifetime of bandages being placed on my wounds, but the source or infection of the wound is never addressed.  Until now....

For whatever reason, Kevin is not afraid of DID...he is not afraid to learn about it, to listen to my frankly, graphic memories, he is not chased away by bad behavior or violent behavior from me, or the alter that is fronting...he is not freaked out, by the obvious personality changes I go through when switching or when another alter is out.  He just hangs with and talks with that particular alter like they have always been around and he grew up with....another friend...haha  He listens to them, then tries to make their life easier and more pleasurable.   Then he informs me of them fronting, what was said or done, so I will not be left in the dark.   There are times when an alter tells him something then asks him not to tell Sparrow.  And he honors that request, that is why they trust him.

He likes to say, he did lots of scientific tests on me to see if my DID was real....well, I will say that my alters have tested him in the same way...to see if he is real....and because he has not failed me or my alters, they trust him and believe he is real...a real partner, a real friend.   Someone they can trust with all the horrible shit that they have to deal with from the past.

Obviously, my family and x husband failed their tests, and that is why those relationships have fallen apart.   

It is not fun having DID.  In fact, I fucking hate it.  But, it is my reality so I have to accept it, learn to live with it, and trust in the man who is there for me/us.   

Sparrow

DID and repressed Memories

 Its funny the way the mind works.   The mind can and does protect the person.  The brain controls all the bodily functions, the work of the organs, etc...and the brain can and will put "devastating memories" away.  Repressing them, because knowledge of those memories can be critical in the life of a DID person.

DID is not developed because a child is spanked or made to sit in a corner when bad.  DID is not developed because the parents fought and yelled at each other, or got divorced...

DID is developed when there is "unrelenting abuse, and the child literally has no one to comfort them, they have no safety", so the little brain, splits into personalities that can handle a situation that adults are not there for.  This is a defense mechanism.  A child does not deliberately do this, it just happens...

The thing about remembering repressed memories is this:  The memory being presented is the memory of a child...not an adult.  It is a child remembering the abuse.  So, you have to be mindful that what you are hearing are the memories of a small child, not the adult reciting those memories.  So much of the time, the memories sound convoluted and not "factual" because its a child...a child perceives things differently than an adult.

For example:  remember that huge slide in the playground you use to play at as a child?  In your adult mind you remember that that slide was so high and scary.  That is the memory you have, the memory of the child in you.....LATER, you as an adult, visit that playground and see that "huge" slide...but the slide is not big at all...why?  because you are an adult and looking at that slide as an adult...not as a small child....You could say, that your memory of that "huge" slide was repressed and when you do remember, that slide scared you...but upon seeing the reality of the slide...your memory was accurate for a child, but not an adult.

All DID memories are from abuse as a child...Alters take those memories because a Childs brain simply cannot deal with that huge scary "slide"....so the memory of that slide is taken away, repressed.  Then as an adult, working through traumas, the slide memory will then come forward to deal with.  Too put reality to the slide "its not that high at all" and then the alter with the particular memory can see that the host is safe and can speak freely of their fears, or whatever.  Once a repressed memory is realized and dealt with and talked through, only then can you move forward.   This is healing.

Most of my memories start with dreams, disturbing dreams, and when a memory is starting to unfold, it makes sleep impossible.   I may go days or weeks before the memory is finally revealed, but in that time I am not sleeping...my mind is trying to accept the fact that I have to deal with something horrendous....not only me, but also the alter holding the memory...I, the host, along with the alter have to be listened too, and worked with.   You cant just work with the host, in DID you have to work with the whole system.  Each one, individually.  And for that to happen, there has to be trust.  If an alter does not trust a person, then that person will never hear the memory or speak to that specific alter...its not safe.  Without trust, there is no safety.

Also, as a side note...too many times a memory is revealed, and the adult simply cannot believe the story....it is to "fantastic",   no way that could have happened...and then, guess what?  The alter will never speak to that person again.   And the host is left with fear, rejection, etc...and never has healing, can never move forward.

I still have so many memories that I have not dealt with, in fact, Kevin knows of a memory that I have yet to remember...how?  because the alter told him of that memory, warned him, it was coming...when will that memory come to fruition?  I have no ideal except that when the alter feels comfortable enough then I will get the memory....the alters work in their time, not mine, the host, or Kevin, the advocate or the therapist...their time does not matter...its the alters that control when, where, how and why that memory will be revealed.  You cannot hurry up a memory, it has to be organic.

Sparrow

Questions our Viewers have asked, part 1

 This is an older video,  and every time I watch it, I am shocked that Tessa will eat seafood...I cannot stand any kind of seafood...and the fact that she eats it, and loves it, is so weird to me, Sparrow.

Kevin called Sparrow an alter too....Sparrow is the host body,  but when I developed DID and 7 more personalities,  that gives me 8 personalities...to the alters, I am an alter also...My brain is not 100% mine...it is also theirs.   So, it makes sense that I, Sparrow, am an alter as well.

I am predominately the one fronting...or at least I think I am, because remember, when one of the other personalities are fronting, I have no knowledge of it...I feel like it is still me, just lost a little time.

My entire life, the alters have been coming and going, and nobody ever noticed the difference, why? Because all my alters are experts at imitating me...they have to be...that is a way of protecting me, by putting me to sleep and taking care of business...

When we have to travel to the midwest for whatever reason, my alters know that is not a safe place for me, they do warn Kevin..he has ignored them at times and disaster happened...but it is a trial and error decision for Kevin...and he has learned to listen to them, listen to their concerns and act accordingly to try and alleviate any "potential disastrous outcomes" that might arise from a trip back..

We are all happy here in Virginia.  We know that we are safe, we know that we can live our lives the way we want...we know that an "unsafe" family member will not show up at the door...we are all free to come and go in safety.

I encourage everyone to watch the Sophee video...self harm is atrocious, but understanding the reasoning behind it is informational and makes perfect sense.   Sophee is not a monster, none of the alters are monsters...they all do what they "need" to do, to keep me safe.   period.

Sparrow