I don't know where to start with this blog. First, I miss Mary Beth everyday. I still have her instant message from the last time we spoke...I still send her my love...even though she will never read the messages...
I have had to deal with so many really horrible things in my life...it seems I got the lions share of hardships, bad news, bad health, bad everything to cover thousands of people.
From, childhood abuse and trauma, broken bones from trauma, ulcers as a child, intensive abdominal issues because of stress that have resulted in multiple surgeries...then the loss of my daddy, the loss of my grandson, having to live with brain cancer, the death of my marriage, the loss of a child (miscarriage), the loss of my family...then potentially having breast cancer?!
Sometimes I feel like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting bigger and bigger as it descends down...becoming a boulder of hard ice and snow running me over...
I simply do not know how to compartmentalize all these issues...I am unable to put them in their proper places in my grief, I am unable to be an adult and dealing with potentially bad news as an adult.
Why? Because all my alters have their own thoughts, feelings, their own way with dealing with bad news and it is conflicting for me, Sparrow. I know that I have to be mature and grown up, I know this is just life...dying is a part of living, and I am not alone in having potentially bad news or getting bad news...but, that is me, Sparrow...the others handle things differently and that leaves me feeling so discombobulated, frustrated, confused and frankly suicidal...I feel like my head is drowning in a tsunami of waves carrying me away, with no control on where those waves are going to take me...
The hardest thing, I believe, for me in being the mature 60 year old woman...Sparrow is 60, but the other alters range in age from around 6 yrs to 65 yrs...the younger ones have more immature selfish minds because they are younger, Tessa is the only one that is the grown up, being probably around 65 yrs old...so dealing with potentially bad news is devastating for a system that is so mixed up with ages and personalities....
I am so grateful for Kevin and the trust my system has with him...he can explain to them things I simply cannot...and I believe they listen to him....in fact, if Kevin had been in my life, my whole life, I might not be where I am today...I would be more secure in myself and my DID, why didn't my husband and family see it? They made potentially bad news worse by being oblivious to my system, they threw gasoline on the fire in my brain...
I recently had another breast scare, the cyst came back, bigger, and now I have three cysts...I elected to not have them drained, because they are not hurting or bothering me...but if they do start to hurt, I will simply have them drained...I am no longer freaking out that I may have cancer. I have knowledge.
Knowledge is power...I become more powerful and my alters become more powerful as they attain knowledge.
Sparrow
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