I have always thought of myself as a girly girl once I became a teenager...I like make up and clothes, hair all the things that is girly.
But growing up I was a tomboy..I played with all the little boys in my neighborhood, we played war, and other boy activities. I got as dirty as a boy...I loved being with the boys, because I did not have to be the "girl"...sometimes I pretended to be the nurse in a battle zone, but often I carried a toy gun and went around shooting the enemy... I believe this was "7", as a child, before they grew up as I grew up...
7 does not like girly things and stuff. 7, is plain, nondescript, and hides easily...I don't know why 7 says that they have two colored eyes, one green and one brown...when I look in a mirror I only see two brown eyes...but if 7 looks in a mirror, they see two different color eyes...why? I do not know, that is for 7 to answer. Where did 7 get the ideal for their looks? I believe that 7 decided on looking non gender. 7 does not want to be identified as a girl or boy...just 7.
7 and I both have a love of animals. 7 and I have a way with them, animals have always been my friends and companions..I have an easiness with animals...7 feels that way too, I think. I really believe that it was 7 who took away the horrible memories of my childhood pets being killed and of the animal abuse I was forced to participate in...7 did it...7 has all those memories locked up...
Yes, I am aware of all the animal abuse...but in my heart, I am not aware of the hurt and pain that I felt...the only thing I was aware of was the guilt..."my fault my bunny or dog or cat, was killed"...so I have lived with the guilt for a long time...but not the hurt...as 7 has released some of the details of the animal abuse and the actuality of my non-complicitness in those acts. I felt I was to blame for all the death and abuse, I was made to feel the blame....and it wasn't until decades later, that I was made aware of the details and that I was not at fault, I was a fucking child.
I am so thankful that 7 did not allow me to feel that particular pain....
My sister and I had a bunny, one day we were outside on the porch and I was holding the bunny and my sister wanted it..but she was so young and she did not know how to hold the bunny comfortably so I would not let her..she got mad, went in the house and told her father (my abuser), he was drunk, of course, and he came out and grabbed the bunny from my arms, twisted its neck and killed it, gave it back to me...a small child...to bury....telling me "this is your fault for being selfish with that bunny"...
I know that immediately when he took the bunny from me, 7 fronted. 7 took away the horror of the scream of the bunny, the horror of having to dig a hole and bury it...I remembered the incident years later, but I never remembered or felt the agony of pain....that was taken from me, by 7. I never cried over that bunny or any of the other animals...7 took the tears away...it wasn't until years later, after the memory was shared with me, that the tears came...7 allowed me to cry.
7 has been protecting my fragile heart, my entire life. But now, as an adult, working through my DID, coming to realize why I have it, and why I have each alter and their jobs in my head, I don't feel like I need 7 anymore...but my heart, even as an adult, is so fragile and scared and damaged that 7 will never leave, 7 will never change their job description...my heart will have to be protected until the day I die.
So, this is 7. The Protector of my Heart.
Sparrow
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