I wanted to expound on the "jealousy" comment I made about having DID.
When I was not aware of my personalities, it was easy to accept the quirkiness that I had...I just thought I was weird, or over emotional or whatever...I felt like that was just me, Sparrow.
Now that I know its not just me, Sparrow, that is hard to wrap my head around...
I do get very jealous of my alters at times: why? because now I know that they also live my life, I am sharing my head space with 7 other personalities...
Especially of Ally, my little. As a child, I never had a lot of toys, or stuffies or whatever, I had to either share with my siblings, or my toys were given to them or taken away...
Ally has a room at Kevins house, that room is filled with a huge barbie doll house, and all the accessories of Barbiedom... she has a bulletin board to put her pictures on, she has a life of a little girl, free of trauma and everything is all hers. At my apartment, she has stuffies and another doll house...sometimes when I see all of these fun little girl toys, it makes me jealous...
Ally is getting to be a little girl, she plays and laughs and does not have to worry about her things being taken away....I did not get to do that as a little girl, so that makes me jealous...Jealous of myself? How dumb and weird is that?? haha
Then I have trouble with jealousy when christmas comes around and my personalities get all these gifts from Kevin....I also get gifts, but I am having to "share" with the others...I get jealous of my time lost with Kevin because he works all day, lives at his own place, so when I do get to spend time with him, and the girls front (they are comfortable with him and will front a lot when he is here) I lose that time with him...I am selfish of my time with Kevin..I hate sharing Kevin with the alters, that makes me jealous!!!
Doesn't that sound ridiculous? But, its true. Especially in the beginning when I was learning about the amnesia and how my life really is....now, I still experience jealousy, mostly of Ally, but at the same time, Ally is getting to be a happy little girl...that means I am being allowed to be a little girl, a happy safe little girl, even though I don't know when she is out, I do know that when she leaves, I feel better inside, more content and happy.
As far as "faking it"...I wish I was! If I was faking it, then I would be totally in control, no time loss, no amnesia, no jealousy...no horrific childhood memories...I could control my emotions and triggers and panic attacks...but, I am not faking it...this is a really really truly hard disorder to live with, first because of Hollywood and the stigma, second the mental health establishment cannot agree on DID and therefor it makes getting treatment virtually impossible. third, the inability to control my emotions, thoughts and personalities...
It is hard to be in control of your life when you cannot even control your headspace...I am also jealous of "singlets"...I wish I was singular...but that is one wish that will never come true for me, and I have to accept that, and I am...I am trying.....
Sparrow
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