Tessa debut

 So I decided to watch Tessa's video, again.   I never commented on it, but I want to now.

Tessa has cleared up so much of my confusion about church and religion.  I always felt like such a hypocrite going to church, leading classes and all that, because I, Sparrow, knew there was no god, no heaven or hell and that stuff, but yet I "pretended" to be a christian.....now I understand why, I went to church, why I did and said the things I did.   It was Tessa, being co-conscious with me or outright pretending to be me...she was doing the right and socially acceptable thing...she was protecting me from ridicule and harassment.  I was not being a hypocrite...it was Tessa.

Tessa was also protecting me against anger from my husband.  She was obeying him, like the good little christian wife and mother.  She made my life easier to manage and handle.  I really think that Tessa suppressed my true feelings about god and religion, so that I did not really dwell on them, I just did the church thing, smiled and made the best of the situation....and most importantly, I feel she was protecting John and his standing in the church and the community.   

But the longer I was married, especially when the kids grew up and started leaving the home, did my feelings about religion become stronger.  There was no longer the pressure to raise the kids in a christian home dictated by John.   The brain tumor and consequence surgeries, made loud music and crowded situations worse for me, so it was a very real and convenient truth so that I could avoid church and crowds....Tessa was not needed to cover for me in those situations, the brain tumors were my "valid" excuse to leave the church....

I am understanding that now...I was not a "hypocrite" christian, because a part of me is christian.  And that part, Tessa, was the church member, SS teacher etc...and she was sincere in what she believed as much as I am sincere in what I believe.   

We were and are two opposing views, meeting in the middle, for the common good.  WOW...and all in my head too....haha

DID is so complicated and convoluted....

S