So, I rewatched this video and I have to clarify something. In the part about speaking about those who know of my DID yet "don't talk about it, or shove it under the rug" etc, I am speaking about my immediate family members. They are now all aware of my DID, yet they do not speak of it and they act like I am just "faking it or blowing things out of proportion". This is their defense...protect the abuser at all costs....
My friends that know of my DID, do not shove it under the rug, they treat me like they treat everyone else. Because really, everyone has some type of issue they are facing and having to navigate.
My republican religious family flat refuses to "understand or accept', they think they can just pray it away...Even my own husband (X) knew of my DID for many many years and did nothing to help or understand me, or even to listen to me...he just "prayed" and well, we see the power of that prayer! I fucking up and left everything, moved 1000 miles away, to a safe place. Seems their prayers only pushed me away more.....Prayer does not make DID go away.
Anyhoo, I hope that my explanation of that particular question clarifies what I was trying to say.
The hardest question, and the one question I WILL NEVER ANSWER.."How bad could it have been for your brain to split...or talk about particular traumas to anyone, except Kevin." It is nobody's business the horrors and details that I endured as a young child and teenager, that is only between me and a therapist and Kevin. PERIOD. So please, do not ever ask me or anyone else with DID the specifics of abuse. That is cruel.
When Kevin first proposed this topic, I was like...um, okay....kinda scary topic, because of all the preconceived notions about DID from society.
But thinking more about it, the topic, I realized that my husband, lived with me for over 34 yrs and never realized I even had DID. So, I guess the "monster" theory was thrown out the window there! ha
What he did know was I was severely depressed, would have outburst of anger, would have "emotional reactions" maybe not appropriate for a certain situation, or he would just flat, ignore me. He would blow me off as "well thats just the way she is, she will get over it"....You see, he was too preoccupied by his education, his career, his God, his kids, to ever really "hear" or "see" me, I was just a means to an end, mom, wife, maid, servant, etc...I was never his wife, his equal partner. He never listened to me when I would try and share "memories" or childhood incidences, he would always say "I need to pray about that, or God will help you", blah....He could not be bothered by me, not in a psychological way, he left that up to me to try and find help through the mental health establishment by myself. So I had no advocate by him, I was alone.
My entire life, I have had alternate personalities and no one knew or suspected. Alters hide in plain sight and that sight is pretending to be me, the host, Sparrow. It takes a keen eye to notice the subtle changes in me when one of them fronts, it takes a person to really "want" to know, understand, and support another person as a team. Kevin asks questions, he engages the alters, he has learned their likes and dislikes, which are all ME. He does not lecture me, does not preach to me and certainly does not leave me alone in my mental health fight. This is a true advocate.
I can be a lot of fun. I am a natural comedian. I am outgoing and love new adventures, I have an uncanny connection to all animals, I love laughing and helping others....Is that a horrible thing? I mean I have DID, isn't that horrible to have? The only thing truly horrible about having DID is how I came to get this disorder....extreme unrelenting abuse as a child without having any help, no advocate for my safety, and my only protection was my little brain. THAT IS HORRIBLE. Not me.
Being free and safe is the best help a person with DID can get. Free of abuse, safe from abuse, and the help and encouragement of an advocate that is 100% on your side. Kevin always says to me "I got your back". and he does. Just like I have his back.
The title "would you be in a relationship with me?" doesn't just romantic, it also means, a friendship, a family situation, a causal acquaintance, a co-worker...there are lots of "relationships" out there, and you might be shocked to know that you may, in fact, already be in a relationship of whatever sort with a person with DID and not even realize it.
There are millions and millions of DID people all over the globe, and more being made every day behind closed doors to abused children or traumatized children in some way...(war, whatever) so instead of tisk tissking DID away or refusing to learn and understand it, try and educate yourself and open your eyes to the reality of this disorder. Chances are in your favor, you just might be in some type of relationship with a person with a disassociate disorder.
Communication and trust are the keys to having a loving fun and downright excellent relationship with a person who just happens to have DID. I am so grateful to now have both.
So I decided to watch Tessa's video, again. I never commented on it, but I want to now.
Tessa has cleared up so much of my confusion about church and religion. I always felt like such a hypocrite going to church, leading classes and all that, because I, Sparrow, knew there was no god, no heaven or hell and that stuff, but yet I "pretended" to be a christian.....now I understand why, I went to church, why I did and said the things I did. It was Tessa, being co-conscious with me or outright pretending to be me...she was doing the right and socially acceptable thing...she was protecting me from ridicule and harassment. I was not being a hypocrite...it was Tessa.
Tessa was also protecting me against anger from my husband. She was obeying him, like the good little christian wife and mother. She made my life easier to manage and handle. I really think that Tessa suppressed my true feelings about god and religion, so that I did not really dwell on them, I just did the church thing, smiled and made the best of the situation....and most importantly, I feel she was protecting John and his standing in the church and the community.
But the longer I was married, especially when the kids grew up and started leaving the home, did my feelings about religion become stronger. There was no longer the pressure to raise the kids in a christian home dictated by John. The brain tumor and consequence surgeries, made loud music and crowded situations worse for me, so it was a very real and convenient truth so that I could avoid church and crowds....Tessa was not needed to cover for me in those situations, the brain tumors were my "valid" excuse to leave the church....
I am understanding that now...I was not a "hypocrite" christian, because a part of me is christian. And that part, Tessa, was the church member, SS teacher etc...and she was sincere in what she believed as much as I am sincere in what I believe.
We were and are two opposing views, meeting in the middle, for the common good. WOW...and all in my head too....haha
I need to clarify my mention in the video about how children need "discipline". I am not talking about spankings and groundings and that type of discipline. I was speaking more of discipline in the way of structure, rules, boundaries, being taught respect of self and others and their belongings. Being held accountable for wrong doings, and making them right. That sort of thing....
I never had discipline. In fact, growing up I only had 2 hard and fast rules: Do well in school and do not get arrested or in trouble with the law. That was it. I raised myself. I had no curfews, I had no parental supervision...I was left to fend life on my own. Yes, my parents gave me food, clothing and a roof over my head...but prisoners get the same thing. In fact, when I graduated high school, my mother bought me luggage. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.
I only had one christmas that was a good memory, but that was not until I was 15 yrs old. I wanted a 10-speed bike, so I could go places....and christmas morning I got up and under the tree was that bike. I was in shock...I had actually gotten something I really wanted. To this day, I sometimes dream about that bike...that bike represented my freedom. My biological father bought me that bike.
I wish that I could enjoy this season, I truly do....but every year from November 1rst to January 1rst I feel like I am incarcerated in prison.
Anyhow, hopefully after these wretched holidays are over, then maybe my depression will ease and my next video will be more upbeat and educational, instead of me whining...ha.
I am super glad that my friend and viewer of our videos suggested this topic, she just simply asked me "why am I embarrassed" after I made an offhand comment about embarrassment. She got me to thinking, and after talking with Kevin, he agreed this would be a good topic.
I was really anxious about this topic because I did not want to offend other systems, so I truly hope I did not offend anyone with the way I feel at times about having DID.
Everyone with DID have their own journeys, their own opinions, feelings and such, and they are all valid. Every DID system is different, but I feel we all go through feelings and emotions we try and keep quiet.
This video started out to be a short one, but since I am a "one take wonder", I do not follow a script, I just shoot from the hip in one take and hope for the best. I do not like being in front of the camera...So this video turned into a therapy session for me...I chased rabbits all over the place, and it ended up being over an hour long.....oops....so Kevin had to do alot of editing to get it under 30 minutes. But, remarkably after my hour long session, I felt so much better, because I got to vomit all my embarrassment about DID, I finally had a voice, I was able to speak out loud instead of stuffing it.
What was cut out was basically stuff I touched on in other videos, or I started chasing rabbits that really had nothing to do with the topic of this video, haha.
It is extremely hard for me to put my "feelings" "thoughts" and "anguish" in words, speaking. I can blog about them in detail, but to actually voice them out loud is a whole nuther animal.
Being able to say that DID is embarrassing for me out loud and to the world is something I have never heard another system say. Maybe its because they are not embarrassed by it (a good thing) or they have fear about the embarrassment and what others may say or do...(understandable).
Having DID, includes fear. FEAR is a huge part of this disorder. And to be able to not be afraid of being honest with my emotions and issues I am dealing with on a personal level, actually helps my confidence and self-esteem. My wish, is that if another system sees this video, and deals with the same unspoken issues as I do, maybe it will give them strength to voice their "emotions, thoughts, fears, whatever" and their journey to "acceptance" and "healing" will be smoother.
Secrets keep you sick. Secrets, or unspoken thoughts and feelings, do nothing but hinder growth, enlightenment, acceptance and confidence. Exposing those "secrets", takes away their power over you.
Once that power is gone, then education, and acceptance is that much easier.
For the record, I have never been embarrassed in my role. I do what I need to do, deal with what I need to deal with, if I have to be her, so be it, that has never bothered me in the least. So, I hope that one day, Sparrow is not bothered in the least by me, or the others.
I thought this video was a good one. Because there is no book that instructs a child on how to form alters.
As I have gotten older, my memories have started coming forward...is that due to age? Or is it do to the fact that I am in a safe place, my alters feel safe, so they are giving me back the memories....
Does that mean, once they give me all their individual memories, that they go away for good? NO.
The alters are here to stay. The jobs they once had to do for me when I was a child, have changed. They have new different jobs, I still have the protector, the emotional support alters, the palace guard, etc, but their jobs are more mature now. They help me to navigate adulthood. They are still alive and well in my brain...maybe they don't front as often, but when I "need" them, they are there.
I watch the news, I see all the war, death and destruction that is going on over seas...the relentless bombing, dead people everywhere, no sleep, constant fear...how many of those children, having to try and survive war, will develop DID? A child's brain, simply cannot deal with constant bombing, they cannot deal with seeing dead people, pieces of people, no food no water, no safety, and many have lost family....how do they deal with this??? DID.
Then you see reports of horrible conditions of children, the abuse they sustain from their "family"...for years, being locked in cages, or sexually abused or whatever...how will those children deal with this horrific life they are having to live? DID
DID is a defense mechanism....with children, that is their only defense....it is a defense, a battle in the childs brain, to protect them, to take away what is happening, because a child simply does not understand events around them, abusive, traumatic, unrelenting horrible events.
The brain is a tremendous tool. It can and does things that are unexplainable....no one can adequately explain "how" the brain splits...it just happens at times...there is no book, not the bible, nothing, no book, the brain is the only organism that has access to that "book".
DID is not a 1960"s phenomenon...it is happening today...all over the world, in every country....children are developing this coping mechanism as we speak....This is why it is so important to understand that DID is real....DID saves the lives of children...
I vacillate between hating my alters and accepting them, and understanding just why they are there. My brain created them, they are a part of who I am...who I HAD to be to survive.
People with DID are not monsters, they are survivors...the monsters are the people or events surrounding that child that forced that childs brain to split...blame them.
When I read or watch stories about "horrific child abuse" or "horrific war zones", it makes me so sad, because I know what can happen to the child...Will there be therapy for that child? Or will it be too late for therapy to circumvent DID from happening...my heart aches....
Future generations will be full of adults with DID, because trauma never stops...people abuse their children, there are wars, sickness, etc...it never stops....and if that child has no one to turn too, they turn to their own minds....pretty sad that a small child has to go to that length to protect themselves...think about it....think about your own children, grandchildren...what if they are traumatized, alone, and scared.
This is the reality of our world. And it is not getting better, it is only getting worse...
There was so much editing on this video...it is so easy to chase rabbits and get off topic. Am I better now after learning about my DID 4 years ago? Some days I do feel better, I have a better understanding of the how, why and when this disorder started, and how it was created....
I am also doing worse, because I learned just "how" it was created....by extreme, unrelenting abuse to a small child....THAT FUCKING MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.
So, realizing that as a child, I didn't mean a damn thing to my parents, I was the sexual punching bag, the physical punching bag, and the emotional and psychological punching bag. What kind of a sick person would allow atrocities to happen to a small child? I have always had a love/hate relationship with my mother. I felt I had to love her, because that is what we are taught, but she never reciprocated those feelings towards me. Now, that the memories are coming back, and I am getting a clearer picture of the abuse my mother allowed to happen to me, and did to me also, infuriates me.....it makes me drop the love aspect and hate her even more.
DID has also caused me to even doubt the love of my biological father, whom I thought was only an uncle for years.....why didn't he step up and tell the truth, he was my father, but he let my mother make all the rules.... My mother will say "I stole from your dad (Ronald, the abuser) for 7 years, and when I got enough money to leave him, We left and lived with her dad...
BUT FOR 7 YEARS SHE TURNED A BLIND EYE TO THE ABUSE THAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME...She let me suffer horrendously, while she was slowly stealing money from the monster.....A loving mother would have got me and her other kids out of that house sooner, not fuck around for 7 goddamn years.....In that 7 years, I developed a condition that would never go away....
So, that horrible part of knowing you have DID is the revelation that the parents you "thought, or assumed" loved you, in fact, didn't give a shit about you. That is a hurt that cuts so deep, the wound will never heal....
So in that regard, I am worse off.......
But, now I have knowledge. I understand now my bizarre behavior at times, I have DID...I am not crazy or mentally ill...I am just damaged. The other day, I ordered canned dog food off the internet...when it arrived, I started unpacking the box and noticed that 9 out of the 12 cans were dented and damaged....
That is me, a can of food that should be whole and perfect, but in reality is crushed, dented and destroyed by careless humans who did not take care to get the package to the consumer intact....
The dog food was still edible, but not stackable. I am still a human, I am still healthy, but my brain has been damaged and dented beyond recognition....but I still function and serve a purpose....just like that can of food, it still served its purpose even though it was damaged.
I never use my DID as an excuse to be weird. I try so hard to be normal, if I fuck up, or if one of my alters do something, I take all the blame. I am responsible for everything my alters do...so if one of them writes something to someone in a text or a blog or whatever, and it is offensive or crude, then I am to blame and I am the one to say "I am sorry".....I have to apologize for my alters, even though I have no ideal when they are fronting or what they are doing, I am still responsible and I am the one to be held accountable...isn't that just the best???
I do not feel like I am getting better, I am attaining more knowledge and questions I have had are being answered, and that is a good thing, because it is bringing me some closure. Also, some of the worse night terrors and dreams I would have over and over (like a plane crashing) are no more. I am also understanding more what triggers me...smells, sounds, etc...and I can avoid alot of triggers now, and that is also a good thing.. So in that aspect, I am better and getting better....
But I do have more anger and rage now, than before...because now I know and that knowledge has ignited my anger. I want so much to be validated, apologized too and recognized as not being mentally ill, my abusers will never be held accountable...they have gotten away with what they did to me, the crimes that were committed to me, they got to skate through life, while I was left in the dirt trying to claw my way in life....I meant nothing to them, I was only a piece of shit they wiped their ass on and threw away.,.How am I suppose to get better in that sense? I never will....
I will not apologize for this post...I will not pretend that all is good, that I am good, that my life is good, some days it is, but most days its not. Because it is not just me, Sparrow, but it is 7 other personalities jockeying for position, and it causes chaos in my emotional and heart parts.
I do not understand how other systems can go on a video and laugh and think they are so cute and DID is so wonderful.....I do not understand why they have to be so theatrical in their switching on camera, I do not understand how they can be so "at ease" with their DID...
DID is beyond embarrassing....DID is a lonely disorder, as we never can have "friends" and "family" that understand us. We cannot be trusted, or at least, I cannot be trusted in a job...or any type of employment or volunteer work, because I would be petrified if an alter fronted for whatever reason.. So I have to keep my distance from people...I cannot allow myself to become attached to any one or any group....my secret could be revealed, then I would be abandoned and shunned by those peers...so I stay alone, except for Kevin, and my alters.....
So to sum this whole rant up: Some days I am better, and some days I am worse.....
I am always nervous when I put myself out there. Society puts so much emphasis on loving your parents, especially your mother. Most people have good mothers, mothers that did their best, not perfect mothers, but mothers that tried....no mother is perfect. I certainly am not a perfect mother, but I do "love" my own children more than life itself.
Sadly, my mother does not feel that way towards me. I am not even sure she loves my sister that much either, it has always been about my brother, "the Golden child", he could never do any wrong, she dotes on him, talks about him, etc...He is her beloved son.
When my dad was hospitalized, I called him, and my mom picked up the phone...which threw me through a loop, obviously she did not recognize my phone number...I asked her how she was doing and this is what she said "this is very hard for me"....nothing about my dad and his near death illness, it was about her, always about her......then she abruptly handed the phone to my dad...she upon realizing it was me on the phone, could not get off the phone fast enough.
Did she ask how I was doing? She knew I had walking pneumonia, she knew I, myself, was very ill, she knows I have brain tumors, but did she ask about me? NO FUCKING WAY...she doesn't give a shit about me....so why do I give a shit about her? Because she is my mother, and society says I should love and honor her....
I am so weary of the mental war that goes on in my brain...I am so weary of conflicting thoughts and emotions, I am so weary of not sleeping because of that raging battle in my head...
DID is exhausting, not just for me, but all of those who have this disorder, it is exhausting and fatigue and insomnia is very very common.
I really hope that people don't give me the standard "go to your mother" speech. Put your feelings aside, because its about her and her stroke, and my dad and his ongoing health issues...that is so easy to say, but almost damn near impossible for me to do.
I am so tired of trying to be the "daughter" that is expected of me. I just want to be Sparrow. Free to fly anywhere I want, free to be who I am today. I am Sparrow, I am Tessa, I am 7, I am Ally, I am Lilly, I am Sammy, I am Sophee, I am Kaos. I am not a singlet, I am many.
I am the face of DID. But I am not the only one.....there are so many of us out there that present a certain face to the world, so many of us who perform, when in reality, our minds want to "scream"....sigh.
This video was made a while back...my sleeping has gotten better, but it is still not "normal".
I wish I could find the magic potion to actually sleep, like a normal person. The biggest issue I have with sleeping is this. I cannot shut my mind off.
When you are done watching TV you turn the TV off. No more sound, no more action, just a blank screen. I know of many many people who can go to bed, and turn off their mind, and go to sleep within minutes of closing their eyes.
I was always told that people who can sleep easily do not have any guilt on their subconscious mind. I was told I could not sleep because I am guilty of something...some unconfessed sin, something I did that was wrong, or whatever...So, when I use to be christian, I would pray for god to forgive me of my sins, even the ones I was not aware of, just so I could sleep...my subconscious would be free...
But of course, that was a farce....no amount of prayer will help me sleep. Why? two reasons: there is no god, and I have 8 personalities, that have their own sleep or lack of sleep pattern...In fact, the guilt of just being a christian, was overwhelming to me..."did I sin today?" "is god watching me?" etc...talk about paranoia of a loving god....fuck that shit. Such a relief not believing in a god.
I once said in an earlier video, that I feel like when I, the host, am trying to sleep, my alters run around in my head, slamming doors and flipping on lights...my body can be so tired and fatigued and when I lay down, I feel like I could go to sleep in a minute, but 2 hours later, my mind is still racing, going crazy, thinking thinking thinking...I flat CANNOT TURN MY HEAD OFF....there is no on/off switch.
I sleep the best when I am alone in my apartment. Then I can turn off all the lights, I can lock the front door, I can lock my bedroom door, I go to bed knowing the state of my apartment. But when someone is here staying over, outside my locked bedroom door is chaos...what are they doing? Are they going to try and come in my room...I will lay awake all night waiting for them to knock on my door so I can let them in to use the restroom (you have to go through my bedroom to get to the bath)...so I only twilight sleep...my alters are monitoring what is going on in the next room...for whatever reason, they may think I am not safe...so, I don't fucking sleep.
Now my doctor knows of my horrible inability to sleep...he has prescribed me Xanax. (sleeping pills do not work for me, my mind powers through them) Xanax does knock me out and I do sleep...but it is a drugged sleep, and I hate taking drugs to sleep...I want to sleep on my own, like a normal person. I will fight not having to take the pill, I will lay in bed 2-3 hours before I break down and take the stupid pill....I feel like my body will get addicted to the Xanax and never even be able to sleep unless I take the pill...that scares me.
Every night, I am anxious. Will I sleep tonight without the pill? Will I have dreams? I try to not look at the clock...I can become fixated easily on watching a clock and that is the worse thing I could do, so I do not look at the clock...but I know when I have been laying there for hours...even without seeing what time it is....
I take cat naps periodically throughout the day, and that helps my body to rest, but its the night time that gives me grief...the darkness, the sounds, the perceived threats, the alters....
The dreaming part: so many of dreams are impending memories that the alters are starting to give me...I will have a scattered dream, I will tell Kevin about it, and later, maybe later that day or some days later, the whole dream will come back, and it is a memory...I think the alters only give me pieces of memories in my dreams, so that I, the host, can remember the incident on my own...Kevin never pushes me to remember, he never prompts me in my memories, he lets them come organically, then we discuss it, work through it, and I am able to put it away in its proper place in my past.
Trauma therapy. Often I will blog about the memory, and that helps by writing it all down, no matter how horrible or tragic that memory is, putting it on paper, is like "putting it out there so it is not a secret anymore"...the secrets of my abuse are what keeps me down...but once they are realized, dealt with, written about, I am better able to look at it from an adults perspective, understand the actions of me as a child and the actions of the adults, and I can let it go, for the most part. It is not a secret, secrets keep you sick...
My sleeping is much better than it use to be, wayyyyyy better...but I still have a long way to go before I can sleep normally, if I am ever able to sleep normally.
Kevin always says that my alters are "super powers"...and maybe in a sense they are...while all this commotion and activity downstairs is going on, my sense of smell, my sense of hearing, all of my natural senses are enhanced 200%...every sound made, I can hear...and because of that, I feel at times, that everyone is right outside my door...I will panic.
Every emotion I have, anger, sadness, confusion, etc..is enhanced 200%...so the thoughts in my head are amplified, and it is overwhelming.
I seriously feel like I am in the middle of a war zone with the enemy closing in...my paranoia is amplified, its ridiculous, but there it is and I cannot stop it. I cannot go out and stop a train coming at me at full speed...I will be run over and crushed...so my "flight" instinct kicks in....RUN
I also have brain cancer...one of my tumors is attached to a vein in my head that transport blood to and from, oxygen to my brain...Having a stroke is a real concern...
When my panic attack starts, my blood pressure shoots through the roof, my heart will beat out of control, I will start shaking, and all of this could result in a stroke....I could literally have a stroke while I am in the middle of a full blown panic attack...so this knowledge adds to my fears.
Being in a safe, quiet place, my panic attacks are far and few between, but, now they are coming more often...feeling safe is literally keeping me alive...but I have no safety now, when Kevin is at work, I am alone, alone with all those people downstairs, alone, defenseless, scared....
I KNOW IN MY HEAD, ME SPARROW, THAT I AM SAFE, NO ONE IS GOING TO HURT ME, but try telling that to my little, or the others...they don't see that. They only see the past and the past pattern of my life and they are trying to "help" me in the only way they know how....
But their help is hurting me....
Right this moment, as I am writing this, I want to run away...I want to run away to a place where I am safe, but, there is no safety for me...it does not matter where I go, where I live, that feeling of being safe and protected is simply not there. So I am stuck....trapped like a caged animal, trapped like a dog about to be euthanized because nobody wanted it...I am literally cornered with no avenue for escape.
This is DID. Uncertainty of who I am, uncertainty of where I live, uncertainty of even my very existence...certainly uncertain of my safety. I am treading water trying to keep my head afloat, but I am getting tired, my legs are being pulled down by the current and I am fighting to stay alive, but the exhaustion is getting to me...I don't think I can tread water for too much longer...and when I can't do that any longer, that is when the panic, PTSD attacks show their faces to me...
Until the construction is done, until my other neighbor moves out and things settle down will I start to feel safe again...but, if they start all that construction mess next to me (after that neighbor moves out), the constant banging and trash everywhere, my whole nightmare will start all over again...and it will be worse because it is upstairs and that apartment blocks my exit...I will literally be trapped and cornered...all the workers will be next to me, their partying, there loud voices, their drama, I WILL NOT BE SAFE.
If a person who has DID does not feel safe, their lives are in chaos...their minds are bombarding the host with fear, memories, anxiety and the "fight or flight mode" is activated.
This is where I am at today....I am lost, I am not safe. Not anymore, not here, probably not anywhere, will I ever be safe? Well my past history shows that safety is not an option for me...
I don't know where to start with this blog. First, I miss Mary Beth everyday. I still have her instant message from the last time we spoke...I still send her my love...even though she will never read the messages...
I have had to deal with so many really horrible things in my life...it seems I got the lions share of hardships, bad news, bad health, bad everything to cover thousands of people.
From, childhood abuse and trauma, broken bones from trauma, ulcers as a child, intensive abdominal issues because of stress that have resulted in multiple surgeries...then the loss of my daddy, the loss of my grandson, having to live with brain cancer, the death of my marriage, the loss of a child (miscarriage), the loss of my family...then potentially having breast cancer?!
Sometimes I feel like a snowball rolling down a hill, getting bigger and bigger as it descends down...becoming a boulder of hard ice and snow running me over...
I simply do not know how to compartmentalize all these issues...I am unable to put them in their proper places in my grief, I am unable to be an adult and dealing with potentially bad news as an adult.
Why? Because all my alters have their own thoughts, feelings, their own way with dealing with bad news and it is conflicting for me, Sparrow. I know that I have to be mature and grown up, I know this is just life...dying is a part of living, and I am not alone in having potentially bad news or getting bad news...but, that is me, Sparrow...the others handle things differently and that leaves me feeling so discombobulated, frustrated, confused and frankly suicidal...I feel like my head is drowning in a tsunami of waves carrying me away, with no control on where those waves are going to take me...
The hardest thing, I believe, for me in being the mature 60 year old woman...Sparrow is 60, but the other alters range in age from around 6 yrs to 65 yrs...the younger ones have more immature selfish minds because they are younger, Tessa is the only one that is the grown up, being probably around 65 yrs old...so dealing with potentially bad news is devastating for a system that is so mixed up with ages and personalities....
I am so grateful for Kevin and the trust my system has with him...he can explain to them things I simply cannot...and I believe they listen to him....in fact, if Kevin had been in my life, my whole life, I might not be where I am today...I would be more secure in myself and my DID, why didn't my husband and family see it? They made potentially bad news worse by being oblivious to my system, they threw gasoline on the fire in my brain...
I recently had another breast scare, the cyst came back, bigger, and now I have three cysts...I elected to not have them drained, because they are not hurting or bothering me...but if they do start to hurt, I will simply have them drained...I am no longer freaking out that I may have cancer. I have knowledge.
Knowledge is power...I become more powerful and my alters become more powerful as they attain knowledge.
