There was so much editing on this video...it is so easy to chase rabbits and get off topic. Am I better now after learning about my DID 4 years ago? Some days I do feel better, I have a better understanding of the how, why and when this disorder started, and how it was created....
I am also doing worse, because I learned just "how" it was created....by extreme, unrelenting abuse to a small child....THAT FUCKING MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.
So, realizing that as a child, I didn't mean a damn thing to my parents, I was the sexual punching bag, the physical punching bag, and the emotional and psychological punching bag. What kind of a sick person would allow atrocities to happen to a small child? I have always had a love/hate relationship with my mother. I felt I had to love her, because that is what we are taught, but she never reciprocated those feelings towards me. Now, that the memories are coming back, and I am getting a clearer picture of the abuse my mother allowed to happen to me, and did to me also, infuriates me.....it makes me drop the love aspect and hate her even more.
DID has also caused me to even doubt the love of my biological father, whom I thought was only an uncle for years.....why didn't he step up and tell the truth, he was my father, but he let my mother make all the rules.... My mother will say "I stole from your dad (Ronald, the abuser) for 7 years, and when I got enough money to leave him, We left and lived with her dad...
BUT FOR 7 YEARS SHE TURNED A BLIND EYE TO THE ABUSE THAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME...She let me suffer horrendously, while she was slowly stealing money from the monster.....A loving mother would have got me and her other kids out of that house sooner, not fuck around for 7 goddamn years.....In that 7 years, I developed a condition that would never go away....
So, that horrible part of knowing you have DID is the revelation that the parents you "thought, or assumed" loved you, in fact, didn't give a shit about you. That is a hurt that cuts so deep, the wound will never heal....
So in that regard, I am worse off.......
But, now I have knowledge. I understand now my bizarre behavior at times, I have DID...I am not crazy or mentally ill...I am just damaged. The other day, I ordered canned dog food off the internet...when it arrived, I started unpacking the box and noticed that 9 out of the 12 cans were dented and damaged....
That is me, a can of food that should be whole and perfect, but in reality is crushed, dented and destroyed by careless humans who did not take care to get the package to the consumer intact....
The dog food was still edible, but not stackable. I am still a human, I am still healthy, but my brain has been damaged and dented beyond recognition....but I still function and serve a purpose....just like that can of food, it still served its purpose even though it was damaged.
I never use my DID as an excuse to be weird. I try so hard to be normal, if I fuck up, or if one of my alters do something, I take all the blame. I am responsible for everything my alters do...so if one of them writes something to someone in a text or a blog or whatever, and it is offensive or crude, then I am to blame and I am the one to say "I am sorry".....I have to apologize for my alters, even though I have no ideal when they are fronting or what they are doing, I am still responsible and I am the one to be held accountable...isn't that just the best???
I do not feel like I am getting better, I am attaining more knowledge and questions I have had are being answered, and that is a good thing, because it is bringing me some closure. Also, some of the worse night terrors and dreams I would have over and over (like a plane crashing) are no more. I am also understanding more what triggers me...smells, sounds, etc...and I can avoid alot of triggers now, and that is also a good thing.. So in that aspect, I am better and getting better....
But I do have more anger and rage now, than before...because now I know and that knowledge has ignited my anger. I want so much to be validated, apologized too and recognized as not being mentally ill, my abusers will never be held accountable...they have gotten away with what they did to me, the crimes that were committed to me, they got to skate through life, while I was left in the dirt trying to claw my way in life....I meant nothing to them, I was only a piece of shit they wiped their ass on and threw away.,.How am I suppose to get better in that sense? I never will....
I will not apologize for this post...I will not pretend that all is good, that I am good, that my life is good, some days it is, but most days its not. Because it is not just me, Sparrow, but it is 7 other personalities jockeying for position, and it causes chaos in my emotional and heart parts.
I do not understand how other systems can go on a video and laugh and think they are so cute and DID is so wonderful.....I do not understand why they have to be so theatrical in their switching on camera, I do not understand how they can be so "at ease" with their DID...
DID is beyond embarrassing....DID is a lonely disorder, as we never can have "friends" and "family" that understand us. We cannot be trusted, or at least, I cannot be trusted in a job...or any type of employment or volunteer work, because I would be petrified if an alter fronted for whatever reason.. So I have to keep my distance from people...I cannot allow myself to become attached to any one or any group....my secret could be revealed, then I would be abandoned and shunned by those peers...so I stay alone, except for Kevin, and my alters.....
So to sum this whole rant up: Some days I am better, and some days I am worse.....
Sparrow
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