Simple Everyday Triggers...

 Kevin only mentioned three triggers, as examples.  I am aware of those triggers.  But there are so many other triggers that I am not aware of.  When I am speaking of triggers, I am talking about negative triggers only.  I realize there are positive triggers too..

The thing about triggers is this:  each trigger is associated with some type of abuse...and with people who have DID, we were not just abused a couple of times,  but the abuse was relenting and took on all types of different forms, with each form of abuse, there is a specific trigger, I was abused from birth to about 9 yrs old...imagine the unknown triggers from all those years...

As I am learning of my alters, they are slowly releasing memories to me...and I have to do trauma therapy to get through them.  And even with therapy, I can still be triggered.  For example:  and I speak of this particular trauma because it is the only one I can talk about..and stay Sparrow.

Loud noises, loud engines, and low flying aircraft, would cause me to have a serious PTSD attack, I would black out and Lilly would take over...why?

Well after finally talking about airplanes and violent dreams about them crashing with my advocate...I was able to work through the revelation that as a small child I witnessed a jet crashing,  it crashed just behind my house, I saw it, I felt it, as a 5 or 6 year old, this is beyond comprehension and a little brain cannot process the carnage of a jet explosion and death...so Lilly took this memory away...

but it still haunted me and I could not figure out why?  Now that I know that for a fact a plane did crash and I did see it,  I have validation that is wasn't just a bad dream, but it was reality.  So, does the sound of a low flying jet still bother me?  YES!!! my first gut reaction is the plane is going to crash and I feel the anxiety...but I now know, why I feel this way.  My grown up brain can stay in the moment and Lilly knows she is not needed to get me through this.

But so many times, I will feel the anxiety and fear creeping in, and I don't have any idea why...why? because there is a hidden trauma there, something that has not been revealed to me, so I can be triggered by the alter that was formed with that specific event.  

If Sophee is triggered out, then we have to figure out why she was triggered.  What was the incident that brings her out?  If she wants to share it, she will to Kevin...and they will talk about it, without my, sparrows, knowledge.  And when I am ready to hear the memory, ready to deal with it, Sophee will give me the memory...but this is a process, and most times the alter doesn't reveal the trauma, not until the alter feels they are safe and Sparrow is safe...then the trauma therapy of that specific trigger can begin...

I have thousands of triggers, no doubt, and there is no possible way to I know why I have all of those, or what they even are...its a process, a very long process, but for the process to work, we all need to feel safe and be in a safe place.  

Sammy is safe to dance her heart out, Ally is safe to play at my home and Kevins home, Tessa is safe to do her thing...but have those three revealed all their trauma?  No...they hold many, Ally holds the most and I can't even imagine doing trauma therapy with a 6 year old....but I do know this, if I am happy, if I am content, if I am sleeping through the night, then that means Ally feels happy safe and content, so that is what we work towards...not getting Ally to talk about her traumas, but just to make her feel loved and safe, like you would any other child.  For this, it is the best for me too.

Sparrow

Why am I so insecure? Am I stupid?

 In this video, I tried to explain my insecurities and low self-esteem.   I am extremely insecure, I have never had faith in myself, because I was always dissed...and it got to the point that I would not even try new things, because I felt I would fail.  I have always felt like a failure, from a young child to today, a grown adult...I still second guess everything, I have trouble with trust, and I cannot seem to shake my insecurities, no matter how much people try and "lift me up", it doesn't work...

When someone is mentally and psychologically abused, gaslighted, their entire life, it leaves a permanent scar.  That scar being insecurity, lack of trust in your self, and low if any self-esteem.  You always question yourself, you question others, you run from close friendships, you shy away from jobs, family pretty much everything in your life....I have done all of these things.

I have been told, most of my life (except by my mother) that I am beautiful.  And no matter how many times I am told that, I do not believe it, I cannot believe it...when I look in a mirror, I only see the horror of a scared little girl, I see the scars in her eyes, and her heart.   If I had been ugly, I may not have been abused...so when I am told I am beautiful, it brings back the echo of words from my abuser who told me I was beautiful.      I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL, I DON'T WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL.  I do not want to come across as stuck up, I truly see no beauty in my face or body...I only see scars....

As I was doing my part of the video, I had an epiphany.   Why did my mother hate me so much?

My mother left my birth dad,  but she blamed me for that marriage breaking up, then she married the abuser, and when he started giving me attention, she was jealous...and when the physical abuse started for me, she turned away...in fact, she let me take the abuse so she wouldn't have too...she blamed me for him doing those things to me, like somehow I asked for it...

Then when she finally left him and went through a series of boyfriends, they never worked out?  Why? because of me, I was a threat to her....she was horrible to me, even after we all left the abuser, she still neglected and gaslit me...my mother blames me for her crappy life, and poor choices.

When she finally married for the third time, he was active military and I was living part time with my father, all seemed well.   The abuse seemed to stop, as she was happy.   But when my step dad retired and they moved to Texas and Oklahoma, I started visiting her and him, alot.  My dad and I would go shooting, would talk together, do things together, and it pissed my mom off...again, even as an adult, I was coming between her and her husband.   The abuse, emotionally and verbal, started up again.  Even though I had gotten married, I was still a threat to her...but only in her mind, certainly not mine.

I realized that my mother blamed me for all her failed marriages, her unhappiness, whatever, that was all my fault...when in reality, she is the one that made all the bad decisions,  but instead of taking ownership, she pointed the finger at me.  

Even today, she does not speak to me....when my dad almost died in surgery, she never called, she did not want me to come there and "take over" his care....I was not welcome...I know this, because if she needed my help or wanted my help, she would have called and asked me.....she did not.

Her behavior towards me, was instrumental in growing my insecurities and flagrant low self esteem.  She tattooed those emotions on my brain and heart.   

I will always be insecure, second guessing myself, shying away from people, and thinking I am ugly.  I am so petrified of failing, that I have stopped putting myself out there...I am so scared of being beat down mentally....

I do not know if I will ever get over feeling and thinking this way.  Kevin does his best to lift me up, and encourage me and validate me, and I appreciate it so much...but when he says and does these things my head says "well he has to say that, he is my boyfriend and advocate", "but he really doesn't mean it".   I mean seriously, who can really love a "damaged woman" with many personalities, a woman as small and skinny as a 10 yr old boy,  and as neurotic as a lunatic? So, I pretend to accept the compliments and help with gratefulness, but deep down, my heart and head says "he doesn't mean it". 

It has ALWAYS been my experience that when people are nice and attentive to me, they want something...they do not want me, they want what I can give or do for them...then I am dumped and deserted...Kevin is changing that,  in the four years of being together, he is still there, still loving and supporting me...but when will "enough be enough" and when will he grow tired of my "screwed up head?"  THIS IS INSECURITY, THIS IS MY LIFE.

7, out of all the alters, does their best to stir me away from being hurt....because 7 was created to take the pain away that is in my heart, so I can function in life.  7, is a bully, in that they will do what they can to take me out of a situation, so I will not be hurt...even if being hurt is not going to happen, as soon as I put myself out there and start to become independent, 7 takes that away...not to be mean, but experience has shown,  take away the memories, take away the feelings, and I won't be hurt.  This is 7's job in my system.   Do I like it? NO, do I understand it? YES.

Sparrow

Tessa's debut on You Tube

 When we first started these videos', I did not want any of my alters being shown.  I am very secretive and somewhat "ashamed" that they even exist.  I was happy with Kevin doing his thing and me adding my two cents at the end.  But, Tessa wanted to explain herself to the world........

Watching this video, watching Tessa speak, is so weird.  How can she be christian if I am so anti-christian?  How can she do the things that I cannot?   I can see, however, how nobody would know that she is not me.  She is very calm and grown up.  She is matter of fact and she "looks like me'.  She is the grown up in the system.  haha

I know now, that if it wasn't for Tessa, I would have dropped out of school,  I would not have stayed married for as long as I did, I would not have had the jobs that I have had, I would not be where I am today.  Tessa got me through school, she helped me in my marriage and motherhood, with her "calm" demeaner and "smart" mind I was able to navigate life, somewhat normally...at least that was how it appeared on the outside looking in.  

If I was a betting girl, I would bet that Tessa is 60 % of my life.  Without her, the 40% that is Sparrow would have crashed and burned.  So how can I be upset or angry with Tessa living my life, getting me through my life?  Really, the only thing that upsets me now, is that I had no idea that she was there, that any of the alters were there...I am grateful for Tessa.  Funny, but in a freak way, Tessa is teaching me how to be an adult!

So watching this video is alternately bizarre and fascinating, but more than anything, educational to me.  I understand more fully her role in my life, and I am grateful to her.

Thank you, Tessa

Sparrow

Sammy

 Sammy is my alter who does not speak.  She uses sign language to communicate with Kevin.  

Before I actually studied American Sign Language, I believe Sammy developed her own way of sign language.  You see, Sammy was born because of abuse and threats from the abuser.  He would put his hand over my/her mouth to keep us silent as certain forms of abuse were happening.  He would tell her/me if we said anything to anybody, my sister, my brother, my mother would all be hurt or killed or I would be killed...we were scared into silence....during one of those moments, Sammy was born.  The silent alter.  She lives in fear.

I have always, at least I thought it was me, Sparrow, who wrote the poems, sonnets and short stories...but now, I know it is Sammy.  She is the poet, she is the dancer, she is the lover of music.  She uses music and dance to relax, she uses poetry to speak...

Recently she entered this poem into my other blog.  I wanted to put it here for ya to read...Kevin believes that one day she will start actually talking with her voice,  but I don't know, after 50+ years of silence I don't think she will ever speak...anyhow, here is her latest poem:

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Corners of my soul, I cannot see,

I search and search,

but cannot find,

the key that will unlock my mind.

I want to speak, I have so much to say,

Maybe I will, maybe some day.

I am silent with fear

I am protecting all I hold dear.

I want to speak.

I really do,

I have so much to say

If you only knew..

All the hidden memories

only I can view.

Sammy

Time and Clocks: Analog vs Digital, Time loss with DID

 Being born into a military home,  time is everything.  The military is very time oriented and strategic with time and space...very rigid.

This was also the case in my home/homes.  Both my dads were Navy.  Then my third step dad was Air Force, so I have been raised in homes where "Time is crucial".

As a small child, for example, my "dad" would come into my room, or my mother, and say to me "you have 3 minutes to get this room cleaned up", and they literally meant 3 minutes...if I did not get the room cleaned up the way "they" wanted it clean in that 3 minutes, I would be punished...usually by throwing away my toys or they would trash my room and tell me to clean it again, this time only having 2 minutes...of course,  a 4-7 yr old cannot clean up a trashed room in 2 minutes...again I would be punished, usually beat the second time.

I learned to watch the hands on the clock as they turned...I did not know how to tell time, but I knew if the long hand went "two" slots, then that meant 2 minutes...Just like Kevin explained in his video and school clock watching.

I learned that I needed to be able to see clocks everywhere I looked, so I could watch the hands on the clock...

I knew that if the big hand was on 12 and the little hand was on 5, that meant my dad would be coming home...he would come home drunk and usually really angry and I needed to hide myself.  So many times I would see the 5 o'clock time, then all of the sudden it would be the big hand on the 12 and the little hand on the 7...that meant that two hours passed with my dad home and I had no memory of that time...Now I know that, that missed time was an alter presenting to deal with my dad...

To this day, I am very anal about time...if I say be here at 4:45, I mean BE THERE NO LATER THAN 4:45...when my kids would be late from a date or school or whatever, I would sit and stare at that clock, getting angrier and angrier...why aren't they home,  I am going to ground them...

It wasn't until much later, that I understand why I would get so angry if someone was not time conscious...in my mind, punishments were coming and I was scared.  It was all about me and my time issue...

In my house, in every room are analog clocks.   I look at them constantly, if it is 30 minutes later and I don't remember that lost 30 minutes, I know it was probably an alter fronting, and if I look around I can sometimes see what they have done, or if they have left me a message on the white board.

Before Kevin had analog clocks in his home, when I would visit, I was always panicked about time, I could not monitor my time there, no clocks...this caused huge anxiety for me, and at first we didn't know why, but now we do, and Kevin has clocks in every room now, like me.  You see, the way I was raised, time was everything.  If I was told to come and eat at 4 o'clock and I was even 1 minute late, I was not allowed to eat, I was sent to my room with no dinner.  I was told "you must not be hungry if you can't be here on time"...this happened all the time, why?  Because I was a little girl who couldn't tell time, didn't understand time...I was not taught how to tell time in school, I was taught through beatings and punishments, I learned to watch and dread the hands on the clock...

Even now, as an adult.  I am very time conscious.  If I am going somewhere and the event starts at a certain time, then I am there exactly at that time or even earlier...I cannot be late, because somewhere in the back of my brain, if I am late, I will be punished.  So I have learned to be punctual...I use to blame my time rigidness on being raised in the military...but that is really not the reason, I know that now.  I am trying to overcome this fear of time.  I know that I am safe, and no one is going to punish me if I am late somewhere, I know that, but deep down there is still that fear of "time"....

Sparrow

How my Alters have made depression even worse living with DID

 This truly was a hard video to make.  Like I said in the video "depression and I are good friends"...I have suffered "depression" my entire life.  

I was always treated for depression, and the therapists and doctors all said that the depressive state I am in all the time is what has affected my physical health along with my mental health, and they would give me drugs.  All those drugs did, was drug me and my alters, they NEVER helped me...

Why?  Because I have DID.  All the decades of therapy and mental medications and doctors and hospitalizations all of it, had nothing to do with the core problem...I was never correctly diagnosed, why?  Because the mental health doctors do not believe in DID...they say its just PTSD.  And it is, but its PTSD on steroids.  

The doctors never looked any deeper, just treating the symptoms, but not the injury itself.

Having DID is complicated and confusing.   Why am I feeling this way?  Where did the time go?  What is wrong with me?...now, I know, that my alters can be upset too.  They get angry, sad, happy, they have all the emotions basically that I, Sparrow, have.   How can that be?

They have lived my life with me.   They have shared in my triumphs, in my heartache, in my day to day life.   They are me...yet they are not me...they are them...such a strange concept, that I am starting to understand.   The knowledge that I have this disorder is also depressing...but not because its a mental condition I have to live with, but its because of how the disorder originated.   The circumstances of a small little girl trying to survive in anyway she could.   How sad is that?

Imagine, that you find out a small child, you know, is being horribly beaten,  sexually abused, mentally and emotionally abused,  ignored and humiliated every day...YOU would be appalled and would do anything you could to get that kid out of that situation....but for me, I had no YOU, I had no one to get me out, to save me....so I had to save myself...I saved myself by my little brain splitting...

How devastating...but in todays world, this is still happening, all the time...and this depresses me, because I am so sad for all the abandoned children.

Now, I am doing better, because I know that if I am feeling a certain way, and I cannot point to a reason for that feeling or emotion, then I know it must be one of my alters, and then Kevin can speak with them and 9 times out of 10, the issue is resolved.   This is the most important thing in the world for a person with DID.  We need someone our alters can trust,  the alters need to be safe, they need to know that they are safe too...DID people need an advocate.  Someone to step up and help, defend, and teach, and accept that each alter is different and to understand that.   

It took me over 50 years to be properly diagnosed.  It took over 50 years to finally find my "advocate"...it is a crying shame that my husband of 34 years NEVER paid enough attention to me to see the "changes" in my personality...none of my family did...instead, I was ignored, ridiculed and medicated...just like when I was a child.   

I am still emotionally and psychologically abused by my family...and that saddens me, and it also saddens those alters I share my head space with.   How depressing is that?

But, being in a safe place, knowing that my alters are safe, them knowing that they are safe, has helped so much in my recovery.   And by recovery, I mean, acceptance of my condition, the willingness to learn about it and to get therapy and to not fight them,  learning about the 'how and why' of each alter, and letting them also live "their" lives, has helped me so much in my journey...I am recovering and learning to accept my diagnosis.   Some days, I hate it, and I fight it, I throw fits (haha), but most days I accept myself and I move on.

I can deal with my depression now, I don't need to be medicated, I just need to be understood.

Sparrow

My DID story

 There was so much more I wanted to say in this video...I hope I did not come across as "hating my family",  I love them...but they have caused me so much pain in the past, and are currently causing me pain, and will probably cause me pain in the future....so I have to accept that fact and look beyond it.

I try and remember my childhood, I try and remember the "good times",  and frankly the only "good time" I can remember clearly is fishing with my daddy.  I have a memory of being little, probably grade school age, and we were fishing...my daddy, my two brothers and me...I remember that I kept getting my line all tangled up and instead being punished for tangling up my line, my daddy just said "I am a sailor, so I am an expert on knots"...and he spent the entire time, untangling lines from me and my brothers...I remember I was so shocked that he did not get angry with me or hit me because I could not get my fishing line right...the few good memories I have are always when I was visiting my daddy.

The abuser, my step dad, is dead.  I have seen his gravestone...but my little, Ally, still thinks he is alive and will come through the door at any moment...she is stuck in a time warp..

It is not easy having DID, I was not born with it...it is not a disease or any type of organic illness.  DID was given to me, by my mother and step father.  I hate having this disorder.  I feel at times that it has ruined my life.  It certainly ruined my marriage,  and most everything in my life.

I vacillate between acceptance of this disorder, and fighting it...I DO NOT WANT THIS CONDITION.  I wish I could give it back...being a multiple is so hard.   It is so hard to keep my head in reality...and reality is the most important of living.  I am trying to accept that my reality is this:  I have DID period.

So where do I go from here?   I want so much to be understood, validated and accepted.  Nobody can understand the extreme abuse a child goes through when they develop this disorder.  It is way beyond spanking or sitting in the corner...

Sometimes I want to scream, to tell my family exactly what happened to me...I want them to know about the horrible facts of the abuse I sustained...but, when I start to tell someone my abuse in specific detail, then I am triggered and an alter fronts....why?  because the abuse was so unbelievably horrific, my abuser was a demented man, and when he drank, the punishments he would come up with for me were beyond explanation.  And I had to deal with this until I was around 9...9 years of demented cruel punishments, mental and emotional, physical, sexual , you name it.  And my mother did nothing to stop it, she turned a blind eye.  

Later, after I was grown, my mother who was also physically abused by the same man, told me that "she stole money from him for 7 years, until she could get enough to leave him"...that was her excuse and her answer to the situation....so for 7 years, as she was stealing his money, I was being abused, but she had a plan, sadly, that plan didn't include me...Maybe she thought I was fine, remember I had alters by then, and when an alter fronts, they take care of the situation, they become me...so my mom saw them, taking care of the situation, she saw them imitating me, and she surmised that I was fine...maybe that was it.

What I do not understand is how my husband of 34 years did not see my alters.  How could he have turned a blind eye to my mental state?  It only took 1 yr for Kevin to spot them...My husband ignored me...obviously.  My family ignored me....and by ignoring me, that is mental abuse.  Dismissing me, that is what they have done...dismissed me.

Another of my abusers, is in prison.  For pedophilia.  I want to go to that prison and confront him!  I did not get to confront my step dad.  But if I saw him face to face,  I don't know...he is in prison...has been in prison since the early 90's...he is being punished for crimes against children in multiple states...but...he is not being punished for the crimes against me, and because of that, I get no closure...I am invisible.

I know that I still have so many memories locked up in my head.  Those memories must be so horrific that my alters will not let me have them...the memories I do have I can barely accept, and cannot even speak about...just talking about the abuse will trigger someone to come out...I feel like I am wearing a gag half the time!

I wish I could say that I have arrived.  That I am cured.  But sadly, I will never be cured, and I will never arrive..my destination is so far away, I will never reach it.  So, I just have to sit in the drivers seat and drive...sometimes sitting in the passenger seat and letting someone else drive, but often times I am sealed in the trunk, not knowing where I am going or what I am doing...that is a fact.

I know this video seemed like I was so angry...I only get angry when I am talking about my childhood and my life up to this point.  I have alot of unresolved issues that frankly will never be resolved and that is a hard pill to swallow.

For the most part, I am happy now.  I am safe and my alters are safe.  I am in a safe place and I can relax and just be me, us.  It is refreshing to be free.  But, my freedom was hard fought.  I am still a prisoner of memories.  One day, I hope to be really free..I hope that my family will accept me, us.  Until then,  I have lots of work to do.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done...but with Kevin helping and supporting me, I feel like one day, I will be released from the prison my parents put me in.

I love my mother, despite everything, I still love her.  I crave for her to love me back, to tell me "she is so sorry", I need more than anything for her to acknowledge me..to apologize to me to be my mother.  But deep down, I know this will never happen and I need to find a way to accept this and move on.

Sparrow

DID & Switches: Understanding how switching works in Sparrows system.

 I wanted to expound on this video.   I am learning more about how my switching works.  Along with the feelings of giggles (Ally), the monk hand thing (Lilly), etc...but not all my alters give me a heads up when they are coming out.

Something I have noticed since this video was made, that I believe is a tell tale sign I am disassociating is my ears will start ringing...not a loud ringing, but a faint ringing...then the sense of drifting or "twilight" consciousness starts, I believe this is 7 or Sophee starting to front.

Kevin suggested something (along with the sensory box) to do when the ear ringing starts, especially if I am not able to get to the box...Its called color observation.

For example:  I was in Target doing some shopping, and I ventured into the toy section...immediately as I was trying to avoid looking at the toys, I felt the giggling starting to well up in my chest, followed by a faint ear ringing...I did not want to switch, so, I started counting colors...I focused on finding three blue items, then three red items, then three yellow items and so forth...redirecting my brain to focus on colors and not toys,  kept me pretty much grounded enough so I could continue my shopping and not come home with "unwanted items"...once I started doing  this, the faint ear ringing stopped, and the giggling impulse subsided and I was able to stay "Sparrow"...

Now, every time my ears start ringing, I do the color thing....if I start to feel like I am "floating" or not quite in the "here and now", I will focus on the color activity.   

I say, every time, but there are times when I don't fight the disassociation, and I go with it...because I need the mental break.  Here in the safety of my home or Kevins place, I usually do not fight against disassociating, because when I fight the alters, I can get really depressed, frustrated, and angry, sad whatever.  But in public settings and the "disassociation starts", I do try and suppress it, because the public arena is not a safe place for me or my alters...

When I allow the alters to front, meaning I do not do the color thing or sensory box,  and they take over for awhile, when I "wake up", I feel more rested and my whole outlook is different.  The alters give me rest, physical and mental rest, while they are out...they say "I am asleep" when they are fronting, and it does feel like a power nap was taken, once I refront.

Before I was diagnosed with DID,  I had no ideal that the weird sensations and feelings and amnesia were due to the alters...I blamed the tumors, the TBI, being a woman, etc, etc etc...and the people and family around me, just thought I was "quirky" or weird..but because the alters are experts at imitating me, they never knew...I never knew.   

I have never been a sit on your ass type of girl.  I have always been busy, moving...As I reflect back now on my life, especially as a wife and mother, I am understanding more of why I was continuously moving from room to room, outside to inside etc...My alters felt more comfortable switching if I left a room and wandered into another...or, if a conversation was "not in my best interest" I would abruptly leave a room, then come back in later...in a house full of people, switching had to be more covert, so that is why I would simply walk out of a room...to go switch....Kevin noticed this right away, funny how nobody else ever noticed that odd behavior.....hmmm

Its a relief and a burden now understanding my "odd" behavior...I know "why" and that is a relief to know that I am not just a crazy person, but at the same time, it is terrifying knowing I have multiple personalities...and its heartbreaking to know "why" I have the alters in the first place.

Rapid switching, however, does not leave me feeling rested, it actually exhaust me physically and mentally...my brain is on high alert...my body is running on adrenaline and the alters are all jockeying for position... and that leaves my entire body exhausted, confused, and discombobulated.  Thankfully, rapid switching happens infrequently...the more I understand how switching works, the more I am able to identify when I am starting to disassociate, I am better informed on how to maybe alleviate the switch or stop it altogether.   

Its a learning process, and I still have a long way to go in my education of DID.

Sparrow

Sparrowisms, a word or two from Kevin

 Coffee in hand!

I guess in 2023 that's a bit cliché', but it's me. Whenever I'm sitting at a computer screen, it's coffee in hand and a cigarette burning away in the ashtray. And really, that's all you need to know about me, you aren't here to read about me, so ...moving on.

This blog is being started for Sparrow herself, and her alters to reflect on the videos we've produced.

Each video referring to a video, will have the same title as the video for easy reference. However, be aware, there may be blogs about living with DID that may be written either by myself, Sparrow or one of her alters. This is the internet, anything is possible.

Here is the introduction video we filmed for our channel, and I'm post it here actually as a test to see if I can get it to work.

So, thanks for showing up and spending a while here. Please feel free to leave a comment and interact with us a bit. For the most part, we don't bite too hard.

Kevin