I wanted to expound on this video. I am learning more about how my switching works. Along with the feelings of giggles (Ally), the monk hand thing (Lilly), etc...but not all my alters give me a heads up when they are coming out.
Something I have noticed since this video was made, that I believe is a tell tale sign I am disassociating is my ears will start ringing...not a loud ringing, but a faint ringing...then the sense of drifting or "twilight" consciousness starts, I believe this is 7 or Sophee starting to front.
Kevin suggested something (along with the sensory box) to do when the ear ringing starts, especially if I am not able to get to the box...Its called color observation.
For example: I was in Target doing some shopping, and I ventured into the toy section...immediately as I was trying to avoid looking at the toys, I felt the giggling starting to well up in my chest, followed by a faint ear ringing...I did not want to switch, so, I started counting colors...I focused on finding three blue items, then three red items, then three yellow items and so forth...redirecting my brain to focus on colors and not toys, kept me pretty much grounded enough so I could continue my shopping and not come home with "unwanted items"...once I started doing this, the faint ear ringing stopped, and the giggling impulse subsided and I was able to stay "Sparrow"...
Now, every time my ears start ringing, I do the color thing....if I start to feel like I am "floating" or not quite in the "here and now", I will focus on the color activity.
I say, every time, but there are times when I don't fight the disassociation, and I go with it...because I need the mental break. Here in the safety of my home or Kevins place, I usually do not fight against disassociating, because when I fight the alters, I can get really depressed, frustrated, and angry, sad whatever. But in public settings and the "disassociation starts", I do try and suppress it, because the public arena is not a safe place for me or my alters...
When I allow the alters to front, meaning I do not do the color thing or sensory box, and they take over for awhile, when I "wake up", I feel more rested and my whole outlook is different. The alters give me rest, physical and mental rest, while they are out...they say "I am asleep" when they are fronting, and it does feel like a power nap was taken, once I refront.
Before I was diagnosed with DID, I had no ideal that the weird sensations and feelings and amnesia were due to the alters...I blamed the tumors, the TBI, being a woman, etc, etc etc...and the people and family around me, just thought I was "quirky" or weird..but because the alters are experts at imitating me, they never knew...I never knew.
I have never been a sit on your ass type of girl. I have always been busy, moving...As I reflect back now on my life, especially as a wife and mother, I am understanding more of why I was continuously moving from room to room, outside to inside etc...My alters felt more comfortable switching if I left a room and wandered into another...or, if a conversation was "not in my best interest" I would abruptly leave a room, then come back in later...in a house full of people, switching had to be more covert, so that is why I would simply walk out of a room...to go switch....Kevin noticed this right away, funny how nobody else ever noticed that odd behavior.....hmmm
Its a relief and a burden now understanding my "odd" behavior...I know "why" and that is a relief to know that I am not just a crazy person, but at the same time, it is terrifying knowing I have multiple personalities...and its heartbreaking to know "why" I have the alters in the first place.
Rapid switching, however, does not leave me feeling rested, it actually exhaust me physically and mentally...my brain is on high alert...my body is running on adrenaline and the alters are all jockeying for position... and that leaves my entire body exhausted, confused, and discombobulated. Thankfully, rapid switching happens infrequently...the more I understand how switching works, the more I am able to identify when I am starting to disassociate, I am better informed on how to maybe alleviate the switch or stop it altogether.
Its a learning process, and I still have a long way to go in my education of DID.
Sparrow
No comments:
Post a Comment