There was so much more I wanted to say in this video...I hope I did not come across as "hating my family", I love them...but they have caused me so much pain in the past, and are currently causing me pain, and will probably cause me pain in the future....so I have to accept that fact and look beyond it.
I try and remember my childhood, I try and remember the "good times", and frankly the only "good time" I can remember clearly is fishing with my daddy. I have a memory of being little, probably grade school age, and we were fishing...my daddy, my two brothers and me...I remember that I kept getting my line all tangled up and instead being punished for tangling up my line, my daddy just said "I am a sailor, so I am an expert on knots"...and he spent the entire time, untangling lines from me and my brothers...I remember I was so shocked that he did not get angry with me or hit me because I could not get my fishing line right...the few good memories I have are always when I was visiting my daddy.
The abuser, my step dad, is dead. I have seen his gravestone...but my little, Ally, still thinks he is alive and will come through the door at any moment...she is stuck in a time warp..
It is not easy having DID, I was not born with it...it is not a disease or any type of organic illness. DID was given to me, by my mother and step father. I hate having this disorder. I feel at times that it has ruined my life. It certainly ruined my marriage, and most everything in my life.
I vacillate between acceptance of this disorder, and fighting it...I DO NOT WANT THIS CONDITION. I wish I could give it back...being a multiple is so hard. It is so hard to keep my head in reality...and reality is the most important of living. I am trying to accept that my reality is this: I have DID period.
So where do I go from here? I want so much to be understood, validated and accepted. Nobody can understand the extreme abuse a child goes through when they develop this disorder. It is way beyond spanking or sitting in the corner...
Sometimes I want to scream, to tell my family exactly what happened to me...I want them to know about the horrible facts of the abuse I sustained...but, when I start to tell someone my abuse in specific detail, then I am triggered and an alter fronts....why? because the abuse was so unbelievably horrific, my abuser was a demented man, and when he drank, the punishments he would come up with for me were beyond explanation. And I had to deal with this until I was around 9...9 years of demented cruel punishments, mental and emotional, physical, sexual , you name it. And my mother did nothing to stop it, she turned a blind eye.
Later, after I was grown, my mother who was also physically abused by the same man, told me that "she stole money from him for 7 years, until she could get enough to leave him"...that was her excuse and her answer to the situation....so for 7 years, as she was stealing his money, I was being abused, but she had a plan, sadly, that plan didn't include me...Maybe she thought I was fine, remember I had alters by then, and when an alter fronts, they take care of the situation, they become me...so my mom saw them, taking care of the situation, she saw them imitating me, and she surmised that I was fine...maybe that was it.
What I do not understand is how my husband of 34 years did not see my alters. How could he have turned a blind eye to my mental state? It only took 1 yr for Kevin to spot them...My husband ignored me...obviously. My family ignored me....and by ignoring me, that is mental abuse. Dismissing me, that is what they have done...dismissed me.
Another of my abusers, is in prison. For pedophilia. I want to go to that prison and confront him! I did not get to confront my step dad. But if I saw him face to face, I don't know...he is in prison...has been in prison since the early 90's...he is being punished for crimes against children in multiple states...but...he is not being punished for the crimes against me, and because of that, I get no closure...I am invisible.
I know that I still have so many memories locked up in my head. Those memories must be so horrific that my alters will not let me have them...the memories I do have I can barely accept, and cannot even speak about...just talking about the abuse will trigger someone to come out...I feel like I am wearing a gag half the time!
I wish I could say that I have arrived. That I am cured. But sadly, I will never be cured, and I will never arrive..my destination is so far away, I will never reach it. So, I just have to sit in the drivers seat and drive...sometimes sitting in the passenger seat and letting someone else drive, but often times I am sealed in the trunk, not knowing where I am going or what I am doing...that is a fact.
I know this video seemed like I was so angry...I only get angry when I am talking about my childhood and my life up to this point. I have alot of unresolved issues that frankly will never be resolved and that is a hard pill to swallow.
For the most part, I am happy now. I am safe and my alters are safe. I am in a safe place and I can relax and just be me, us. It is refreshing to be free. But, my freedom was hard fought. I am still a prisoner of memories. One day, I hope to be really free..I hope that my family will accept me, us. Until then, I have lots of work to do. It is the hardest thing I have ever done...but with Kevin helping and supporting me, I feel like one day, I will be released from the prison my parents put me in.
I love my mother, despite everything, I still love her. I crave for her to love me back, to tell me "she is so sorry", I need more than anything for her to acknowledge me..to apologize to me to be my mother. But deep down, I know this will never happen and I need to find a way to accept this and move on.
Sparrow
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