In this video, I tried to explain my insecurities and low self-esteem. I am extremely insecure, I have never had faith in myself, because I was always dissed...and it got to the point that I would not even try new things, because I felt I would fail. I have always felt like a failure, from a young child to today, a grown adult...I still second guess everything, I have trouble with trust, and I cannot seem to shake my insecurities, no matter how much people try and "lift me up", it doesn't work...
When someone is mentally and psychologically abused, gaslighted, their entire life, it leaves a permanent scar. That scar being insecurity, lack of trust in your self, and low if any self-esteem. You always question yourself, you question others, you run from close friendships, you shy away from jobs, family pretty much everything in your life....I have done all of these things.
I have been told, most of my life (except by my mother) that I am beautiful. And no matter how many times I am told that, I do not believe it, I cannot believe it...when I look in a mirror, I only see the horror of a scared little girl, I see the scars in her eyes, and her heart. If I had been ugly, I may not have been abused...so when I am told I am beautiful, it brings back the echo of words from my abuser who told me I was beautiful. I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL, I DON'T WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL. I do not want to come across as stuck up, I truly see no beauty in my face or body...I only see scars....
As I was doing my part of the video, I had an epiphany. Why did my mother hate me so much?
My mother left my birth dad, but she blamed me for that marriage breaking up, then she married the abuser, and when he started giving me attention, she was jealous...and when the physical abuse started for me, she turned away...in fact, she let me take the abuse so she wouldn't have too...she blamed me for him doing those things to me, like somehow I asked for it...
Then when she finally left him and went through a series of boyfriends, they never worked out? Why? because of me, I was a threat to her....she was horrible to me, even after we all left the abuser, she still neglected and gaslit me...my mother blames me for her crappy life, and poor choices.
When she finally married for the third time, he was active military and I was living part time with my father, all seemed well. The abuse seemed to stop, as she was happy. But when my step dad retired and they moved to Texas and Oklahoma, I started visiting her and him, alot. My dad and I would go shooting, would talk together, do things together, and it pissed my mom off...again, even as an adult, I was coming between her and her husband. The abuse, emotionally and verbal, started up again. Even though I had gotten married, I was still a threat to her...but only in her mind, certainly not mine.
I realized that my mother blamed me for all her failed marriages, her unhappiness, whatever, that was all my fault...when in reality, she is the one that made all the bad decisions, but instead of taking ownership, she pointed the finger at me.
Even today, she does not speak to me....when my dad almost died in surgery, she never called, she did not want me to come there and "take over" his care....I was not welcome...I know this, because if she needed my help or wanted my help, she would have called and asked me.....she did not.
Her behavior towards me, was instrumental in growing my insecurities and flagrant low self esteem. She tattooed those emotions on my brain and heart.
I will always be insecure, second guessing myself, shying away from people, and thinking I am ugly. I am so petrified of failing, that I have stopped putting myself out there...I am so scared of being beat down mentally....
I do not know if I will ever get over feeling and thinking this way. Kevin does his best to lift me up, and encourage me and validate me, and I appreciate it so much...but when he says and does these things my head says "well he has to say that, he is my boyfriend and advocate", "but he really doesn't mean it". I mean seriously, who can really love a "damaged woman" with many personalities, a woman as small and skinny as a 10 yr old boy, and as neurotic as a lunatic? So, I pretend to accept the compliments and help with gratefulness, but deep down, my heart and head says "he doesn't mean it".
It has ALWAYS been my experience that when people are nice and attentive to me, they want something...they do not want me, they want what I can give or do for them...then I am dumped and deserted...Kevin is changing that, in the four years of being together, he is still there, still loving and supporting me...but when will "enough be enough" and when will he grow tired of my "screwed up head?" THIS IS INSECURITY, THIS IS MY LIFE.
7, out of all the alters, does their best to stir me away from being hurt....because 7 was created to take the pain away that is in my heart, so I can function in life. 7, is a bully, in that they will do what they can to take me out of a situation, so I will not be hurt...even if being hurt is not going to happen, as soon as I put myself out there and start to become independent, 7 takes that away...not to be mean, but experience has shown, take away the memories, take away the feelings, and I won't be hurt. This is 7's job in my system. Do I like it? NO, do I understand it? YES.
Sparrow
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