I know that this video makes "retirement" look like all fun and games and relaxation. This is my normal day...
But I have a lot of "not normal" days. Kevin has been moving into a new apartment this past month, and it has been very stressful for me, and him. His move, and issues with my family, has made me crazy! Crazier than usual...haha
We have not made a video of substance because of his moving and all the nightmare that entails that...that is why we have been absent.
I wanted to shoot a short video, just so ya wouldn't think that we have fallen off the face of the earth...we are still here.
Even shooting this video was a nightmare....It was over 20 minutes long...rambling nonsense, that Kevin had to cut out...then he had to learn to do voice overs for the shots of my critters and such, that was hard and time consuming...so even though this video was a dumb, stupid, non video...it took almost 2 weeks to edit and upload...and he was doing all of this during his move...which I feel guilty, because I kept pressing to get a video up...so I stressed him out as much as I stressed myself out.
I really suck at doing videos myself. I don't know how other systems do their own videos..when I watch Kevin editing, it seems so convoluted to me, I would get so frustrated with that aspect of putting up a video.. So I understand his hesitation about shooting videos...he is the one doing all the work, in front of the screen and behind it. I do nothing except my part, showing up and putting a face on DID.
If I was intelligent enough, computer savvy enough, I would do them myself and not have to rely on Kevin and his intelligence...but, I am not. I am so old school when it comes to computers....
So, I apologize for this video...it is mundane and stupid and really, who the fuck cares what I do in my day to day life of retirement....Me wanting to put a video out, shooting this one, was really a mistake on my part.
So, I hope that this video does not deter from the importance of getting education out there about DID, and bringing light to this disorder.
When Kevin first made this video, it made me cry. I told him I did not want to upload it because I felt it made me look like a difficult hard woman to be with, and I had no ideal how hard it was for him...I tend to get inside my own head and I am blinded at how my DID can affect others...especially Kevin.
Kevin is the very last person on the earth that I want to hurt....I know how "weird" and frustrating it has been for him, trying to connect with each alter, to get to know them, their likes, dislikes, personality and kinks... The unedited version of this video, he cried...because the knowledge he has of my past, the intense abuse as a small child, just breaks his heart. He has such a soft spot for little kids, and in this video he was very emotional....and this broke my heart, because he had never showed that type of emotion to me, as he is always the "strong one", the "rational one", the "understanding one"....and I tend to forget that he has emotions also.....
I was so afraid that this video would "chase off" anyone out there who is in a relationship with someone with DID, that the honesty of just how "hard" that type of relationship is, and to really "think" about if you want to stay, if you are mature and patience and understanding enough, and if your "love" is enough...These last 6ish years, have been a fucking roller coaster ride for us....
As hard as it has been for me, discovering my DID, the trauma memories coming back, the therapy and spaghetti bowl of emotions, it has been harder for Kevin. As with any physical or mental disability, illness or disorder, it is always tougher for those around you who love you, than it is for the person suffering or afflicted. We live with it, manage it within ourselves, we are forced to accept an ailment, so we deal in the best way we can. For family or loved ones, it is harder for them, because they are on the outside looking in...they can't possibly know our inner thoughts and struggles, they can only imagine, and that is what makes it harder for our loved ones.
I am just now realizing how hard and difficult this journey for Kevin has been. But, it has also been a wonderful journey...as I am learning "who I really am", and Kevin is learning and embracing me.
I am learning that not all men are monsters, manipulators or narcissist. Kevin has taught me trust. I trust Kevin completely and absolutely. Kevin has shown me "real love"....a type of love I have never experienced....in fact, it was so foreign to me, that I fought against it...I doubted Kevin for years...my alters, especially 7, tried everything they could to get me away from Kevin, emotionally...because they couldn't allow me to be hurt again....I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW THAT AFFECTED KEVIN!
Imagine, one day, I say to Kevin, I love you, I trust you...then the next day, one of my alters say "they hate him," or they do and say things to try and push him away...all the while putting thoughts in my head "he is only using you", "he will leave you", "you can't trust him"....How hard that must have been for him in the beginning before he knew and understood my alters.....fuck.
He had to prove himself to me, every day, that he was with me for life....not only physically with me, but emotionally, and 100% all in.
Kevin edited out most of the super emotional parts on the video, but left in most of it....
DID is not only about the person who has it....it is also about the people who love you. Your DID is their DID...so that needs to be taken into consideration before committing to this type of a relationship. You have to be "all in", if a person cannot be "all in"...then they need to leave, remember "rejection" is one of the biggest PTSD triggers for those of us with DID.
If you can't handle the heat...then get out of the kitchen. I am so thankful that Kevin does not mind the heat.
So, I rewatched this video and I have to clarify something. In the part about speaking about those who know of my DID yet "don't talk about it, or shove it under the rug" etc, I am speaking about my immediate family members. They are now all aware of my DID, yet they do not speak of it and they act like I am just "faking it or blowing things out of proportion". This is their defense...protect the abuser at all costs....
My friends that know of my DID, do not shove it under the rug, they treat me like they treat everyone else. Because really, everyone has some type of issue they are facing and having to navigate.
My republican religious family flat refuses to "understand or accept', they think they can just pray it away...Even my own husband (X) knew of my DID for many many years and did nothing to help or understand me, or even to listen to me...he just "prayed" and well, we see the power of that prayer! I fucking up and left everything, moved 1000 miles away, to a safe place. Seems their prayers only pushed me away more.....Prayer does not make DID go away.
Anyhoo, I hope that my explanation of that particular question clarifies what I was trying to say.
The hardest question, and the one question I WILL NEVER ANSWER.."How bad could it have been for your brain to split...or talk about particular traumas to anyone, except Kevin." It is nobody's business the horrors and details that I endured as a young child and teenager, that is only between me and a therapist and Kevin. PERIOD. So please, do not ever ask me or anyone else with DID the specifics of abuse. That is cruel.
When Kevin first proposed this topic, I was like...um, okay....kinda scary topic, because of all the preconceived notions about DID from society.
But thinking more about it, the topic, I realized that my husband, lived with me for over 34 yrs and never realized I even had DID. So, I guess the "monster" theory was thrown out the window there! ha
What he did know was I was severely depressed, would have outburst of anger, would have "emotional reactions" maybe not appropriate for a certain situation, or he would just flat, ignore me. He would blow me off as "well thats just the way she is, she will get over it"....You see, he was too preoccupied by his education, his career, his God, his kids, to ever really "hear" or "see" me, I was just a means to an end, mom, wife, maid, servant, etc...I was never his wife, his equal partner. He never listened to me when I would try and share "memories" or childhood incidences, he would always say "I need to pray about that, or God will help you", blah....He could not be bothered by me, not in a psychological way, he left that up to me to try and find help through the mental health establishment by myself. So I had no advocate by him, I was alone.
My entire life, I have had alternate personalities and no one knew or suspected. Alters hide in plain sight and that sight is pretending to be me, the host, Sparrow. It takes a keen eye to notice the subtle changes in me when one of them fronts, it takes a person to really "want" to know, understand, and support another person as a team. Kevin asks questions, he engages the alters, he has learned their likes and dislikes, which are all ME. He does not lecture me, does not preach to me and certainly does not leave me alone in my mental health fight. This is a true advocate.
I can be a lot of fun. I am a natural comedian. I am outgoing and love new adventures, I have an uncanny connection to all animals, I love laughing and helping others....Is that a horrible thing? I mean I have DID, isn't that horrible to have? The only thing truly horrible about having DID is how I came to get this disorder....extreme unrelenting abuse as a child without having any help, no advocate for my safety, and my only protection was my little brain. THAT IS HORRIBLE. Not me.
Being free and safe is the best help a person with DID can get. Free of abuse, safe from abuse, and the help and encouragement of an advocate that is 100% on your side. Kevin always says to me "I got your back". and he does. Just like I have his back.
The title "would you be in a relationship with me?" doesn't just romantic, it also means, a friendship, a family situation, a causal acquaintance, a co-worker...there are lots of "relationships" out there, and you might be shocked to know that you may, in fact, already be in a relationship of whatever sort with a person with DID and not even realize it.
There are millions and millions of DID people all over the globe, and more being made every day behind closed doors to abused children or traumatized children in some way...(war, whatever) so instead of tisk tissking DID away or refusing to learn and understand it, try and educate yourself and open your eyes to the reality of this disorder. Chances are in your favor, you just might be in some type of relationship with a person with a disassociate disorder.
Communication and trust are the keys to having a loving fun and downright excellent relationship with a person who just happens to have DID. I am so grateful to now have both.
So I decided to watch Tessa's video, again. I never commented on it, but I want to now.
Tessa has cleared up so much of my confusion about church and religion. I always felt like such a hypocrite going to church, leading classes and all that, because I, Sparrow, knew there was no god, no heaven or hell and that stuff, but yet I "pretended" to be a christian.....now I understand why, I went to church, why I did and said the things I did. It was Tessa, being co-conscious with me or outright pretending to be me...she was doing the right and socially acceptable thing...she was protecting me from ridicule and harassment. I was not being a hypocrite...it was Tessa.
Tessa was also protecting me against anger from my husband. She was obeying him, like the good little christian wife and mother. She made my life easier to manage and handle. I really think that Tessa suppressed my true feelings about god and religion, so that I did not really dwell on them, I just did the church thing, smiled and made the best of the situation....and most importantly, I feel she was protecting John and his standing in the church and the community.
But the longer I was married, especially when the kids grew up and started leaving the home, did my feelings about religion become stronger. There was no longer the pressure to raise the kids in a christian home dictated by John. The brain tumor and consequence surgeries, made loud music and crowded situations worse for me, so it was a very real and convenient truth so that I could avoid church and crowds....Tessa was not needed to cover for me in those situations, the brain tumors were my "valid" excuse to leave the church....
I am understanding that now...I was not a "hypocrite" christian, because a part of me is christian. And that part, Tessa, was the church member, SS teacher etc...and she was sincere in what she believed as much as I am sincere in what I believe.
We were and are two opposing views, meeting in the middle, for the common good. WOW...and all in my head too....haha
I need to clarify my mention in the video about how children need "discipline". I am not talking about spankings and groundings and that type of discipline. I was speaking more of discipline in the way of structure, rules, boundaries, being taught respect of self and others and their belongings. Being held accountable for wrong doings, and making them right. That sort of thing....
I never had discipline. In fact, growing up I only had 2 hard and fast rules: Do well in school and do not get arrested or in trouble with the law. That was it. I raised myself. I had no curfews, I had no parental supervision...I was left to fend life on my own. Yes, my parents gave me food, clothing and a roof over my head...but prisoners get the same thing. In fact, when I graduated high school, my mother bought me luggage. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.
I only had one christmas that was a good memory, but that was not until I was 15 yrs old. I wanted a 10-speed bike, so I could go places....and christmas morning I got up and under the tree was that bike. I was in shock...I had actually gotten something I really wanted. To this day, I sometimes dream about that bike...that bike represented my freedom. My biological father bought me that bike.
I wish that I could enjoy this season, I truly do....but every year from November 1rst to January 1rst I feel like I am incarcerated in prison.
Anyhow, hopefully after these wretched holidays are over, then maybe my depression will ease and my next video will be more upbeat and educational, instead of me whining...ha.
I am super glad that my friend and viewer of our videos suggested this topic, she just simply asked me "why am I embarrassed" after I made an offhand comment about embarrassment. She got me to thinking, and after talking with Kevin, he agreed this would be a good topic.
I was really anxious about this topic because I did not want to offend other systems, so I truly hope I did not offend anyone with the way I feel at times about having DID.
Everyone with DID have their own journeys, their own opinions, feelings and such, and they are all valid. Every DID system is different, but I feel we all go through feelings and emotions we try and keep quiet.
This video started out to be a short one, but since I am a "one take wonder", I do not follow a script, I just shoot from the hip in one take and hope for the best. I do not like being in front of the camera...So this video turned into a therapy session for me...I chased rabbits all over the place, and it ended up being over an hour long.....oops....so Kevin had to do alot of editing to get it under 30 minutes. But, remarkably after my hour long session, I felt so much better, because I got to vomit all my embarrassment about DID, I finally had a voice, I was able to speak out loud instead of stuffing it.
What was cut out was basically stuff I touched on in other videos, or I started chasing rabbits that really had nothing to do with the topic of this video, haha.
It is extremely hard for me to put my "feelings" "thoughts" and "anguish" in words, speaking. I can blog about them in detail, but to actually voice them out loud is a whole nuther animal.
Being able to say that DID is embarrassing for me out loud and to the world is something I have never heard another system say. Maybe its because they are not embarrassed by it (a good thing) or they have fear about the embarrassment and what others may say or do...(understandable).
Having DID, includes fear. FEAR is a huge part of this disorder. And to be able to not be afraid of being honest with my emotions and issues I am dealing with on a personal level, actually helps my confidence and self-esteem. My wish, is that if another system sees this video, and deals with the same unspoken issues as I do, maybe it will give them strength to voice their "emotions, thoughts, fears, whatever" and their journey to "acceptance" and "healing" will be smoother.
Secrets keep you sick. Secrets, or unspoken thoughts and feelings, do nothing but hinder growth, enlightenment, acceptance and confidence. Exposing those "secrets", takes away their power over you.
Once that power is gone, then education, and acceptance is that much easier.
For the record, I have never been embarrassed in my role. I do what I need to do, deal with what I need to deal with, if I have to be her, so be it, that has never bothered me in the least. So, I hope that one day, Sparrow is not bothered in the least by me, or the others.
I thought this video was a good one. Because there is no book that instructs a child on how to form alters.
As I have gotten older, my memories have started coming forward...is that due to age? Or is it do to the fact that I am in a safe place, my alters feel safe, so they are giving me back the memories....
Does that mean, once they give me all their individual memories, that they go away for good? NO.
The alters are here to stay. The jobs they once had to do for me when I was a child, have changed. They have new different jobs, I still have the protector, the emotional support alters, the palace guard, etc, but their jobs are more mature now. They help me to navigate adulthood. They are still alive and well in my brain...maybe they don't front as often, but when I "need" them, they are there.
I watch the news, I see all the war, death and destruction that is going on over seas...the relentless bombing, dead people everywhere, no sleep, constant fear...how many of those children, having to try and survive war, will develop DID? A child's brain, simply cannot deal with constant bombing, they cannot deal with seeing dead people, pieces of people, no food no water, no safety, and many have lost family....how do they deal with this??? DID.
Then you see reports of horrible conditions of children, the abuse they sustain from their "family"...for years, being locked in cages, or sexually abused or whatever...how will those children deal with this horrific life they are having to live? DID
DID is a defense mechanism....with children, that is their only defense....it is a defense, a battle in the childs brain, to protect them, to take away what is happening, because a child simply does not understand events around them, abusive, traumatic, unrelenting horrible events.
The brain is a tremendous tool. It can and does things that are unexplainable....no one can adequately explain "how" the brain splits...it just happens at times...there is no book, not the bible, nothing, no book, the brain is the only organism that has access to that "book".
DID is not a 1960"s phenomenon...it is happening today...all over the world, in every country....children are developing this coping mechanism as we speak....This is why it is so important to understand that DID is real....DID saves the lives of children...
I vacillate between hating my alters and accepting them, and understanding just why they are there. My brain created them, they are a part of who I am...who I HAD to be to survive.
People with DID are not monsters, they are survivors...the monsters are the people or events surrounding that child that forced that childs brain to split...blame them.
When I read or watch stories about "horrific child abuse" or "horrific war zones", it makes me so sad, because I know what can happen to the child...Will there be therapy for that child? Or will it be too late for therapy to circumvent DID from happening...my heart aches....
Future generations will be full of adults with DID, because trauma never stops...people abuse their children, there are wars, sickness, etc...it never stops....and if that child has no one to turn too, they turn to their own minds....pretty sad that a small child has to go to that length to protect themselves...think about it....think about your own children, grandchildren...what if they are traumatized, alone, and scared.
This is the reality of our world. And it is not getting better, it is only getting worse...
There was so much editing on this video...it is so easy to chase rabbits and get off topic. Am I better now after learning about my DID 4 years ago? Some days I do feel better, I have a better understanding of the how, why and when this disorder started, and how it was created....
I am also doing worse, because I learned just "how" it was created....by extreme, unrelenting abuse to a small child....THAT FUCKING MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.
So, realizing that as a child, I didn't mean a damn thing to my parents, I was the sexual punching bag, the physical punching bag, and the emotional and psychological punching bag. What kind of a sick person would allow atrocities to happen to a small child? I have always had a love/hate relationship with my mother. I felt I had to love her, because that is what we are taught, but she never reciprocated those feelings towards me. Now, that the memories are coming back, and I am getting a clearer picture of the abuse my mother allowed to happen to me, and did to me also, infuriates me.....it makes me drop the love aspect and hate her even more.
DID has also caused me to even doubt the love of my biological father, whom I thought was only an uncle for years.....why didn't he step up and tell the truth, he was my father, but he let my mother make all the rules.... My mother will say "I stole from your dad (Ronald, the abuser) for 7 years, and when I got enough money to leave him, We left and lived with her dad...
BUT FOR 7 YEARS SHE TURNED A BLIND EYE TO THE ABUSE THAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME...She let me suffer horrendously, while she was slowly stealing money from the monster.....A loving mother would have got me and her other kids out of that house sooner, not fuck around for 7 goddamn years.....In that 7 years, I developed a condition that would never go away....
So, that horrible part of knowing you have DID is the revelation that the parents you "thought, or assumed" loved you, in fact, didn't give a shit about you. That is a hurt that cuts so deep, the wound will never heal....
So in that regard, I am worse off.......
But, now I have knowledge. I understand now my bizarre behavior at times, I have DID...I am not crazy or mentally ill...I am just damaged. The other day, I ordered canned dog food off the internet...when it arrived, I started unpacking the box and noticed that 9 out of the 12 cans were dented and damaged....
That is me, a can of food that should be whole and perfect, but in reality is crushed, dented and destroyed by careless humans who did not take care to get the package to the consumer intact....
The dog food was still edible, but not stackable. I am still a human, I am still healthy, but my brain has been damaged and dented beyond recognition....but I still function and serve a purpose....just like that can of food, it still served its purpose even though it was damaged.
I never use my DID as an excuse to be weird. I try so hard to be normal, if I fuck up, or if one of my alters do something, I take all the blame. I am responsible for everything my alters do...so if one of them writes something to someone in a text or a blog or whatever, and it is offensive or crude, then I am to blame and I am the one to say "I am sorry".....I have to apologize for my alters, even though I have no ideal when they are fronting or what they are doing, I am still responsible and I am the one to be held accountable...isn't that just the best???
I do not feel like I am getting better, I am attaining more knowledge and questions I have had are being answered, and that is a good thing, because it is bringing me some closure. Also, some of the worse night terrors and dreams I would have over and over (like a plane crashing) are no more. I am also understanding more what triggers me...smells, sounds, etc...and I can avoid alot of triggers now, and that is also a good thing.. So in that aspect, I am better and getting better....
But I do have more anger and rage now, than before...because now I know and that knowledge has ignited my anger. I want so much to be validated, apologized too and recognized as not being mentally ill, my abusers will never be held accountable...they have gotten away with what they did to me, the crimes that were committed to me, they got to skate through life, while I was left in the dirt trying to claw my way in life....I meant nothing to them, I was only a piece of shit they wiped their ass on and threw away.,.How am I suppose to get better in that sense? I never will....
I will not apologize for this post...I will not pretend that all is good, that I am good, that my life is good, some days it is, but most days its not. Because it is not just me, Sparrow, but it is 7 other personalities jockeying for position, and it causes chaos in my emotional and heart parts.
I do not understand how other systems can go on a video and laugh and think they are so cute and DID is so wonderful.....I do not understand why they have to be so theatrical in their switching on camera, I do not understand how they can be so "at ease" with their DID...
DID is beyond embarrassing....DID is a lonely disorder, as we never can have "friends" and "family" that understand us. We cannot be trusted, or at least, I cannot be trusted in a job...or any type of employment or volunteer work, because I would be petrified if an alter fronted for whatever reason.. So I have to keep my distance from people...I cannot allow myself to become attached to any one or any group....my secret could be revealed, then I would be abandoned and shunned by those peers...so I stay alone, except for Kevin, and my alters.....
So to sum this whole rant up: Some days I am better, and some days I am worse.....
I am always nervous when I put myself out there. Society puts so much emphasis on loving your parents, especially your mother. Most people have good mothers, mothers that did their best, not perfect mothers, but mothers that tried....no mother is perfect. I certainly am not a perfect mother, but I do "love" my own children more than life itself.
Sadly, my mother does not feel that way towards me. I am not even sure she loves my sister that much either, it has always been about my brother, "the Golden child", he could never do any wrong, she dotes on him, talks about him, etc...He is her beloved son.
When my dad was hospitalized, I called him, and my mom picked up the phone...which threw me through a loop, obviously she did not recognize my phone number...I asked her how she was doing and this is what she said "this is very hard for me"....nothing about my dad and his near death illness, it was about her, always about her......then she abruptly handed the phone to my dad...she upon realizing it was me on the phone, could not get off the phone fast enough.
Did she ask how I was doing? She knew I had walking pneumonia, she knew I, myself, was very ill, she knows I have brain tumors, but did she ask about me? NO FUCKING WAY...she doesn't give a shit about me....so why do I give a shit about her? Because she is my mother, and society says I should love and honor her....
I am so weary of the mental war that goes on in my brain...I am so weary of conflicting thoughts and emotions, I am so weary of not sleeping because of that raging battle in my head...
DID is exhausting, not just for me, but all of those who have this disorder, it is exhausting and fatigue and insomnia is very very common.
I really hope that people don't give me the standard "go to your mother" speech. Put your feelings aside, because its about her and her stroke, and my dad and his ongoing health issues...that is so easy to say, but almost damn near impossible for me to do.
I am so tired of trying to be the "daughter" that is expected of me. I just want to be Sparrow. Free to fly anywhere I want, free to be who I am today. I am Sparrow, I am Tessa, I am 7, I am Ally, I am Lilly, I am Sammy, I am Sophee, I am Kaos. I am not a singlet, I am many.
I am the face of DID. But I am not the only one.....there are so many of us out there that present a certain face to the world, so many of us who perform, when in reality, our minds want to "scream"....sigh.
This video was made a while back...my sleeping has gotten better, but it is still not "normal".
I wish I could find the magic potion to actually sleep, like a normal person. The biggest issue I have with sleeping is this. I cannot shut my mind off.
When you are done watching TV you turn the TV off. No more sound, no more action, just a blank screen. I know of many many people who can go to bed, and turn off their mind, and go to sleep within minutes of closing their eyes.
I was always told that people who can sleep easily do not have any guilt on their subconscious mind. I was told I could not sleep because I am guilty of something...some unconfessed sin, something I did that was wrong, or whatever...So, when I use to be christian, I would pray for god to forgive me of my sins, even the ones I was not aware of, just so I could sleep...my subconscious would be free...
But of course, that was a farce....no amount of prayer will help me sleep. Why? two reasons: there is no god, and I have 8 personalities, that have their own sleep or lack of sleep pattern...In fact, the guilt of just being a christian, was overwhelming to me..."did I sin today?" "is god watching me?" etc...talk about paranoia of a loving god....fuck that shit. Such a relief not believing in a god.
I once said in an earlier video, that I feel like when I, the host, am trying to sleep, my alters run around in my head, slamming doors and flipping on lights...my body can be so tired and fatigued and when I lay down, I feel like I could go to sleep in a minute, but 2 hours later, my mind is still racing, going crazy, thinking thinking thinking...I flat CANNOT TURN MY HEAD OFF....there is no on/off switch.
I sleep the best when I am alone in my apartment. Then I can turn off all the lights, I can lock the front door, I can lock my bedroom door, I go to bed knowing the state of my apartment. But when someone is here staying over, outside my locked bedroom door is chaos...what are they doing? Are they going to try and come in my room...I will lay awake all night waiting for them to knock on my door so I can let them in to use the restroom (you have to go through my bedroom to get to the bath)...so I only twilight sleep...my alters are monitoring what is going on in the next room...for whatever reason, they may think I am not safe...so, I don't fucking sleep.
Now my doctor knows of my horrible inability to sleep...he has prescribed me Xanax. (sleeping pills do not work for me, my mind powers through them) Xanax does knock me out and I do sleep...but it is a drugged sleep, and I hate taking drugs to sleep...I want to sleep on my own, like a normal person. I will fight not having to take the pill, I will lay in bed 2-3 hours before I break down and take the stupid pill....I feel like my body will get addicted to the Xanax and never even be able to sleep unless I take the pill...that scares me.
Every night, I am anxious. Will I sleep tonight without the pill? Will I have dreams? I try to not look at the clock...I can become fixated easily on watching a clock and that is the worse thing I could do, so I do not look at the clock...but I know when I have been laying there for hours...even without seeing what time it is....
I take cat naps periodically throughout the day, and that helps my body to rest, but its the night time that gives me grief...the darkness, the sounds, the perceived threats, the alters....
The dreaming part: so many of dreams are impending memories that the alters are starting to give me...I will have a scattered dream, I will tell Kevin about it, and later, maybe later that day or some days later, the whole dream will come back, and it is a memory...I think the alters only give me pieces of memories in my dreams, so that I, the host, can remember the incident on my own...Kevin never pushes me to remember, he never prompts me in my memories, he lets them come organically, then we discuss it, work through it, and I am able to put it away in its proper place in my past.
Trauma therapy. Often I will blog about the memory, and that helps by writing it all down, no matter how horrible or tragic that memory is, putting it on paper, is like "putting it out there so it is not a secret anymore"...the secrets of my abuse are what keeps me down...but once they are realized, dealt with, written about, I am better able to look at it from an adults perspective, understand the actions of me as a child and the actions of the adults, and I can let it go, for the most part. It is not a secret, secrets keep you sick...
My sleeping is much better than it use to be, wayyyyyy better...but I still have a long way to go before I can sleep normally, if I am ever able to sleep normally.
