When Kevin first made this video, it made me cry. I told him I did not want to upload it because I felt it made me look like a difficult hard woman to be with, and I had no ideal how hard it was for him...I tend to get inside my own head and I am blinded at how my DID can affect others...especially Kevin.
Kevin is the very last person on the earth that I want to hurt....I know how "weird" and frustrating it has been for him, trying to connect with each alter, to get to know them, their likes, dislikes, personality and kinks... The unedited version of this video, he cried...because the knowledge he has of my past, the intense abuse as a small child, just breaks his heart. He has such a soft spot for little kids, and in this video he was very emotional....and this broke my heart, because he had never showed that type of emotion to me, as he is always the "strong one", the "rational one", the "understanding one"....and I tend to forget that he has emotions also.....
I was so afraid that this video would "chase off" anyone out there who is in a relationship with someone with DID, that the honesty of just how "hard" that type of relationship is, and to really "think" about if you want to stay, if you are mature and patience and understanding enough, and if your "love" is enough...These last 6ish years, have been a fucking roller coaster ride for us....
As hard as it has been for me, discovering my DID, the trauma memories coming back, the therapy and spaghetti bowl of emotions, it has been harder for Kevin. As with any physical or mental disability, illness or disorder, it is always tougher for those around you who love you, than it is for the person suffering or afflicted. We live with it, manage it within ourselves, we are forced to accept an ailment, so we deal in the best way we can. For family or loved ones, it is harder for them, because they are on the outside looking in...they can't possibly know our inner thoughts and struggles, they can only imagine, and that is what makes it harder for our loved ones.
I am just now realizing how hard and difficult this journey for Kevin has been. But, it has also been a wonderful journey...as I am learning "who I really am", and Kevin is learning and embracing me.
I am learning that not all men are monsters, manipulators or narcissist. Kevin has taught me trust. I trust Kevin completely and absolutely. Kevin has shown me "real love"....a type of love I have never experienced....in fact, it was so foreign to me, that I fought against it...I doubted Kevin for years...my alters, especially 7, tried everything they could to get me away from Kevin, emotionally...because they couldn't allow me to be hurt again....I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW THAT AFFECTED KEVIN!
Imagine, one day, I say to Kevin, I love you, I trust you...then the next day, one of my alters say "they hate him," or they do and say things to try and push him away...all the while putting thoughts in my head "he is only using you", "he will leave you", "you can't trust him"....How hard that must have been for him in the beginning before he knew and understood my alters.....fuck.
He had to prove himself to me, every day, that he was with me for life....not only physically with me, but emotionally, and 100% all in.
Kevin edited out most of the super emotional parts on the video, but left in most of it....
DID is not only about the person who has it....it is also about the people who love you. Your DID is their DID...so that needs to be taken into consideration before committing to this type of a relationship. You have to be "all in", if a person cannot be "all in"...then they need to leave, remember "rejection" is one of the biggest PTSD triggers for those of us with DID.
If you can't handle the heat...then get out of the kitchen. I am so thankful that Kevin does not mind the heat.
S
