I am super glad that my friend and viewer of our videos suggested this topic, she just simply asked me "why am I embarrassed" after I made an offhand comment about embarrassment. She got me to thinking, and after talking with Kevin, he agreed this would be a good topic.
I was really anxious about this topic because I did not want to offend other systems, so I truly hope I did not offend anyone with the way I feel at times about having DID.
Everyone with DID have their own journeys, their own opinions, feelings and such, and they are all valid. Every DID system is different, but I feel we all go through feelings and emotions we try and keep quiet.
This video started out to be a short one, but since I am a "one take wonder", I do not follow a script, I just shoot from the hip in one take and hope for the best. I do not like being in front of the camera...So this video turned into a therapy session for me...I chased rabbits all over the place, and it ended up being over an hour long.....oops....so Kevin had to do alot of editing to get it under 30 minutes. But, remarkably after my hour long session, I felt so much better, because I got to vomit all my embarrassment about DID, I finally had a voice, I was able to speak out loud instead of stuffing it.
What was cut out was basically stuff I touched on in other videos, or I started chasing rabbits that really had nothing to do with the topic of this video, haha.
It is extremely hard for me to put my "feelings" "thoughts" and "anguish" in words, speaking. I can blog about them in detail, but to actually voice them out loud is a whole nuther animal.
Being able to say that DID is embarrassing for me out loud and to the world is something I have never heard another system say. Maybe its because they are not embarrassed by it (a good thing) or they have fear about the embarrassment and what others may say or do...(understandable).
Having DID, includes fear. FEAR is a huge part of this disorder. And to be able to not be afraid of being honest with my emotions and issues I am dealing with on a personal level, actually helps my confidence and self-esteem. My wish, is that if another system sees this video, and deals with the same unspoken issues as I do, maybe it will give them strength to voice their "emotions, thoughts, fears, whatever" and their journey to "acceptance" and "healing" will be smoother.
Secrets keep you sick. Secrets, or unspoken thoughts and feelings, do nothing but hinder growth, enlightenment, acceptance and confidence. Exposing those "secrets", takes away their power over you.
Once that power is gone, then education, and acceptance is that much easier.
Sparrow
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For the record, I have never been embarrassed in my role. I do what I need to do, deal with what I need to deal with, if I have to be her, so be it, that has never bothered me in the least. So, I hope that one day, Sparrow is not bothered in the least by me, or the others.
Tessa
