I am always nervous when I put myself out there. Society puts so much emphasis on loving your parents, especially your mother. Most people have good mothers, mothers that did their best, not perfect mothers, but mothers that tried....no mother is perfect. I certainly am not a perfect mother, but I do "love" my own children more than life itself.
Sadly, my mother does not feel that way towards me. I am not even sure she loves my sister that much either, it has always been about my brother, "the Golden child", he could never do any wrong, she dotes on him, talks about him, etc...He is her beloved son.
When my dad was hospitalized, I called him, and my mom picked up the phone...which threw me through a loop, obviously she did not recognize my phone number...I asked her how she was doing and this is what she said "this is very hard for me"....nothing about my dad and his near death illness, it was about her, always about her......then she abruptly handed the phone to my dad...she upon realizing it was me on the phone, could not get off the phone fast enough.
Did she ask how I was doing? She knew I had walking pneumonia, she knew I, myself, was very ill, she knows I have brain tumors, but did she ask about me? NO FUCKING WAY...she doesn't give a shit about me....so why do I give a shit about her? Because she is my mother, and society says I should love and honor her....
I am so weary of the mental war that goes on in my brain...I am so weary of conflicting thoughts and emotions, I am so weary of not sleeping because of that raging battle in my head...
DID is exhausting, not just for me, but all of those who have this disorder, it is exhausting and fatigue and insomnia is very very common.
I really hope that people don't give me the standard "go to your mother" speech. Put your feelings aside, because its about her and her stroke, and my dad and his ongoing health issues...that is so easy to say, but almost damn near impossible for me to do.
I am so tired of trying to be the "daughter" that is expected of me. I just want to be Sparrow. Free to fly anywhere I want, free to be who I am today. I am Sparrow, I am Tessa, I am 7, I am Ally, I am Lilly, I am Sammy, I am Sophee, I am Kaos. I am not a singlet, I am many.
I am the face of DID. But I am not the only one.....there are so many of us out there that present a certain face to the world, so many of us who perform, when in reality, our minds want to "scream"....sigh.
Sparrow
