This video was made a while back...my sleeping has gotten better, but it is still not "normal".
I wish I could find the magic potion to actually sleep, like a normal person. The biggest issue I have with sleeping is this. I cannot shut my mind off.
When you are done watching TV you turn the TV off. No more sound, no more action, just a blank screen. I know of many many people who can go to bed, and turn off their mind, and go to sleep within minutes of closing their eyes.
I was always told that people who can sleep easily do not have any guilt on their subconscious mind. I was told I could not sleep because I am guilty of something...some unconfessed sin, something I did that was wrong, or whatever...So, when I use to be christian, I would pray for god to forgive me of my sins, even the ones I was not aware of, just so I could sleep...my subconscious would be free...
But of course, that was a farce....no amount of prayer will help me sleep. Why? two reasons: there is no god, and I have 8 personalities, that have their own sleep or lack of sleep pattern...In fact, the guilt of just being a christian, was overwhelming to me..."did I sin today?" "is god watching me?" etc...talk about paranoia of a loving god....fuck that shit. Such a relief not believing in a god.
I once said in an earlier video, that I feel like when I, the host, am trying to sleep, my alters run around in my head, slamming doors and flipping on lights...my body can be so tired and fatigued and when I lay down, I feel like I could go to sleep in a minute, but 2 hours later, my mind is still racing, going crazy, thinking thinking thinking...I flat CANNOT TURN MY HEAD OFF....there is no on/off switch.
I sleep the best when I am alone in my apartment. Then I can turn off all the lights, I can lock the front door, I can lock my bedroom door, I go to bed knowing the state of my apartment. But when someone is here staying over, outside my locked bedroom door is chaos...what are they doing? Are they going to try and come in my room...I will lay awake all night waiting for them to knock on my door so I can let them in to use the restroom (you have to go through my bedroom to get to the bath)...so I only twilight sleep...my alters are monitoring what is going on in the next room...for whatever reason, they may think I am not safe...so, I don't fucking sleep.
Now my doctor knows of my horrible inability to sleep...he has prescribed me Xanax. (sleeping pills do not work for me, my mind powers through them) Xanax does knock me out and I do sleep...but it is a drugged sleep, and I hate taking drugs to sleep...I want to sleep on my own, like a normal person. I will fight not having to take the pill, I will lay in bed 2-3 hours before I break down and take the stupid pill....I feel like my body will get addicted to the Xanax and never even be able to sleep unless I take the pill...that scares me.
Every night, I am anxious. Will I sleep tonight without the pill? Will I have dreams? I try to not look at the clock...I can become fixated easily on watching a clock and that is the worse thing I could do, so I do not look at the clock...but I know when I have been laying there for hours...even without seeing what time it is....
I take cat naps periodically throughout the day, and that helps my body to rest, but its the night time that gives me grief...the darkness, the sounds, the perceived threats, the alters....
The dreaming part: so many of dreams are impending memories that the alters are starting to give me...I will have a scattered dream, I will tell Kevin about it, and later, maybe later that day or some days later, the whole dream will come back, and it is a memory...I think the alters only give me pieces of memories in my dreams, so that I, the host, can remember the incident on my own...Kevin never pushes me to remember, he never prompts me in my memories, he lets them come organically, then we discuss it, work through it, and I am able to put it away in its proper place in my past.
Trauma therapy. Often I will blog about the memory, and that helps by writing it all down, no matter how horrible or tragic that memory is, putting it on paper, is like "putting it out there so it is not a secret anymore"...the secrets of my abuse are what keeps me down...but once they are realized, dealt with, written about, I am better able to look at it from an adults perspective, understand the actions of me as a child and the actions of the adults, and I can let it go, for the most part. It is not a secret, secrets keep you sick...
My sleeping is much better than it use to be, wayyyyyy better...but I still have a long way to go before I can sleep normally, if I am ever able to sleep normally.
S
